What an EXQUISITE piece, so full of wisdom, empathy and depth. I have hysterically cried with grief for years at time, so I feel that we are intimate friend's. You said: "Perhaps what we’re more angry about is that we’ve not yet built the skill of being supremely grateful for the worst life hands us." I think this is definitely true. Whilst I certainly don't know how I would act should someone close to me be brutally murdered, I do know that I feel a certain level of confidence towards handling life's challenges and difficulties. I'm most proud that I am NOT a bitter person despite things I've been through in my life, although I have allowed myself bitter moments and time frames. Thank you for a profoundly moving and insightful piece.
What an exquisite and lovely comment, Angela. Thank you so very much. My friend Melissa and I keep asking this: do we wish to be bitter or better? Such a simple but difficult question, but it most definitely makes all the difference!
This resonates with a lesson I listened to this morning from Eckart Tolle, who has much wisdom to share about both individual and collective grief — and what he calls the "pain body" (also individual and collective). As I understand it, pain is inevitable in this life, but suffering comes from wishing things were different than they are; in other words, resistance to what is. It's one thing to put that into words and quite another to put it into practice. Maybe that's why life gives us so many opportunties to do so. But I am damn sorry about what happened to you when you were 23 and trying to serve your country.
Thanks Jan, truth nobody signs up for sexual abuse and we simply can't do much when it's a senior officer, even today. That said, I still wouldn't change anything.
The suffering piece harkens to Buddhist teachings. I love the idea that yes, there's pain but when we milk it for suffering we're avoiding the growth. The lesson, which is inherent in all pain: I can choose not to suffer. I agree, that's why this keeps showing up!
Thank you Julia. Your writing reminds me how important curiosity and gratitude are in resilience through grief. When one door closes, I have found it useful to be grateful for lessons learned and to look for other doors that are open(ing) onto more opportunities to learn and grow.
I had a hard time saying thank you for the physical pain I’ve experienced these last few years but it’s remarkable how much easier it is to bear when I do, and recognize that it’s just life. It really is just life.
And in the meantime, I’m waiting for my health to improve after a month of debilitating pain and loss of voice and sleep that my GP believes is caused by an unidentified that has stopped my writing and political activism.
Thank you Julia, your emphasis and reiteration of choice resonates with my experiences of grief; that we will experience grief, our power is in our choices - to grow through recognising the love in the grief, accepting the totality of it, including the hurt and trauma. It’s not linear of course, it comes in waves and is cyclic. Thank you for sharing … your writing is empowering. 🙏💜
Dealing with a lot is always my norm. I am actually dealing with stepping more into my power of self love and it’s been so invigorating! Thank you! 😊 xx
There is a thing that is called prolonged grieving. I'm fairly certain this is me in a nutshell.
This week I lost a pet (not mine) I was very close to. The fur dad is devasted, beyond words. We shared our feelings and grief, both having a strong bond with this precious soul. I'm hoping I can get through this without it turning into the prolonged grief.
Life is very short and I don't like that I spend much of the time grieving loss.
Some handle loss better than others. I'm in the others category. This is a very special read. Thank you for sharing about pain, all aspects.
Hi Julia, so sorry to hear about all you have been through. You are so incredibly strong, and I admire you for this. The quote I shared I noticed got a lot of attention but I think it is relatable to an extent. I think it more so applies to people who had bad habits emotionally and they repeat them unconciously while wondering why certain things in their lives dont play out the way they wanted. But I don’t think it should be a quote for those who have gone through traumatic experiences. They had no control of that, and it most certainly is not their faults. So, I am sorry if the quote triggered you in a negative way. It was in no way shape or form shared to bring up pain or anger in ppl with traumatic events in their history. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so amazing.
Thank you. In truth it didn't trigger me at all. I loved the truth of it, and the fundamental wisdom that we dare to look where we have pain. I got such value out of that reminder. Pain, loss and terrible things happen to all of us in some way, and much of it we didn't sign up for. That said, those experiences allow us to learn, grow and become strong. That was my message. I understand the way you read it but interestingly that didn't occur to me at all. My neighbor, who is a devout Christian (I am not) read the quote and she felt it the same way I did. I think that underscores how each of us receives a message through the filters of our experiences, beliefs, and indeed, our pain. The article simply explores how I experienced the message, which I thought was so very powerful, and full of grace. Doesn't make me right, just how it landed with me. Since my neighbor just lost her husband to dementia last year, she read it from the standpoint of deep personal loss. We are always informed by our personal point of view. As for the rape history I am quite frank about those things, they no longer bring up great pain, and I appreciate your concern. I learned to live with the events of my life and be grateful for how they have sculpted me. To me at least, that's priceless.
Even grieving the loss of a pet must be acknowledged. I am still mourning his passing. It is NOT better for me to say to myself, oh he was just a cat, other losses are far more grievous . It is better for me to realize why I miss him so much and how he enriched my life. That loss was immediately followed three days later by the fire that left a church in ruins, a church where I had started to sing in the choir a year ago, a church of great historical significance here in Toronto. Trying to keep things in perspective but also recognizing when it is ok to grieve is vital for our mental health.
Loss of a pet is a powerful part of this, Elizabeth. I had two people in mind who just had to put their aged dogs down when I wrote this. So very hard . Thank you.
Powerful post, Julia, and I appreciate your mentioning my work. In my introductory book on 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) - 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - I devote a chapter to 'Disenfranchised Grief', which is a term coined by a close colleague of Kubler-Ross, Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, in 1989. I also did a video on disenfranchised grief as related to adult survivors of FSA (one of my most popular videos to date on my YouTube channel), which any interested readers can check out here: https://youtu.be/8iHfcWKsRis.
Coming to terms with grief, finding the time, the space, the place, the ways to deal with it is a process that different people do differently, just like living, of which grief is part. To live fully is to grieve a loss. I have helped people over many years, over 100 of them, walk through the valley of the shadow. Does that make it any easier? No! My own father had a massive heart attack at age 67 that took him away from us. That was 45 years ago. Do I wish he had lived longer to share more of his love and wisdom with us? Of course, but that was not to be. How I, my mother and brother, came to terms with his death was enabled by how my Dad lived before dying. He was the best. A person of strong beliefs, a faith that strengthened his resolve, his service to others, his guidance and support for us early on, giving us independence to try new things, and the list goes on. One way I honor his life is through remembering all that he gave to me and try when and where I can to give back in the same ways. Other people do it differently. Wounds can heal if we look for ways to heal. If that means getting some help, as with other issues affecting our health and well-being, then go for it. What you can count on is that someone close to you is likely to die before you do and some day, you will be the one to check out. Guaranteed! How we are living may signal how we die. Choice is to change that, or not.
What an EXQUISITE piece, so full of wisdom, empathy and depth. I have hysterically cried with grief for years at time, so I feel that we are intimate friend's. You said: "Perhaps what we’re more angry about is that we’ve not yet built the skill of being supremely grateful for the worst life hands us." I think this is definitely true. Whilst I certainly don't know how I would act should someone close to me be brutally murdered, I do know that I feel a certain level of confidence towards handling life's challenges and difficulties. I'm most proud that I am NOT a bitter person despite things I've been through in my life, although I have allowed myself bitter moments and time frames. Thank you for a profoundly moving and insightful piece.
What an exquisite and lovely comment, Angela. Thank you so very much. My friend Melissa and I keep asking this: do we wish to be bitter or better? Such a simple but difficult question, but it most definitely makes all the difference!
This resonates with a lesson I listened to this morning from Eckart Tolle, who has much wisdom to share about both individual and collective grief — and what he calls the "pain body" (also individual and collective). As I understand it, pain is inevitable in this life, but suffering comes from wishing things were different than they are; in other words, resistance to what is. It's one thing to put that into words and quite another to put it into practice. Maybe that's why life gives us so many opportunties to do so. But I am damn sorry about what happened to you when you were 23 and trying to serve your country.
Thanks Jan, truth nobody signs up for sexual abuse and we simply can't do much when it's a senior officer, even today. That said, I still wouldn't change anything.
The suffering piece harkens to Buddhist teachings. I love the idea that yes, there's pain but when we milk it for suffering we're avoiding the growth. The lesson, which is inherent in all pain: I can choose not to suffer. I agree, that's why this keeps showing up!
I fully admit to wishing there was an easier way! Cheers to you on your path.
Thank you Julia. Your writing reminds me how important curiosity and gratitude are in resilience through grief. When one door closes, I have found it useful to be grateful for lessons learned and to look for other doors that are open(ing) onto more opportunities to learn and grow.
I had a hard time saying thank you for the physical pain I’ve experienced these last few years but it’s remarkable how much easier it is to bear when I do, and recognize that it’s just life. It really is just life.
Yes, and that is about acceptance of what is, ie reality. And why I am a sex realist.
And in the meantime, I’m waiting for my health to improve after a month of debilitating pain and loss of voice and sleep that my GP believes is caused by an unidentified that has stopped my writing and political activism.
I sure wish you a speedy recovery. We need your voice out there!
💚🤍💜
Thank you Julia, your emphasis and reiteration of choice resonates with my experiences of grief; that we will experience grief, our power is in our choices - to grow through recognising the love in the grief, accepting the totality of it, including the hurt and trauma. It’s not linear of course, it comes in waves and is cyclic. Thank you for sharing … your writing is empowering. 🙏💜
Heartfelt thanks, Simone. I am always and forever addressing myself and it’s always wonderful to know that my words soothe others, too.
This has me totally blown-away Julia. Deepest thanks.
Warm thanks back Caroline
Gorgeous writing and expression Julia. I feel this deeply and sending you infinite love.
Thank you as always, Shelley. I know you’re dealing with a handful right now so I appreciate your taking the time.
Dealing with a lot is always my norm. I am actually dealing with stepping more into my power of self love and it’s been so invigorating! Thank you! 😊 xx
that's the biggest step of all. For me the hardest, as I suspect for many. That's a shame, but what a journey.
Thank you for this. It was very timely for me today.
thank you very much Dave, and thanks for subscribing I hope I don’t disappoint.
There is a thing that is called prolonged grieving. I'm fairly certain this is me in a nutshell.
This week I lost a pet (not mine) I was very close to. The fur dad is devasted, beyond words. We shared our feelings and grief, both having a strong bond with this precious soul. I'm hoping I can get through this without it turning into the prolonged grief.
Life is very short and I don't like that I spend much of the time grieving loss.
Some handle loss better than others. I'm in the others category. This is a very special read. Thank you for sharing about pain, all aspects.
You are so welcome, Patti, and I know that pain all too well. And still, I got another, knowing what must come.
One of my life lessons I access frequently...
"You're never angry for the reason you think you are."
That short sentence has saved me, many times, from inflicting my pain on others.
Oh my lots of wisdom in that, Warren.
Hi Julia, so sorry to hear about all you have been through. You are so incredibly strong, and I admire you for this. The quote I shared I noticed got a lot of attention but I think it is relatable to an extent. I think it more so applies to people who had bad habits emotionally and they repeat them unconciously while wondering why certain things in their lives dont play out the way they wanted. But I don’t think it should be a quote for those who have gone through traumatic experiences. They had no control of that, and it most certainly is not their faults. So, I am sorry if the quote triggered you in a negative way. It was in no way shape or form shared to bring up pain or anger in ppl with traumatic events in their history. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so amazing.
Thank you. In truth it didn't trigger me at all. I loved the truth of it, and the fundamental wisdom that we dare to look where we have pain. I got such value out of that reminder. Pain, loss and terrible things happen to all of us in some way, and much of it we didn't sign up for. That said, those experiences allow us to learn, grow and become strong. That was my message. I understand the way you read it but interestingly that didn't occur to me at all. My neighbor, who is a devout Christian (I am not) read the quote and she felt it the same way I did. I think that underscores how each of us receives a message through the filters of our experiences, beliefs, and indeed, our pain. The article simply explores how I experienced the message, which I thought was so very powerful, and full of grace. Doesn't make me right, just how it landed with me. Since my neighbor just lost her husband to dementia last year, she read it from the standpoint of deep personal loss. We are always informed by our personal point of view. As for the rape history I am quite frank about those things, they no longer bring up great pain, and I appreciate your concern. I learned to live with the events of my life and be grateful for how they have sculpted me. To me at least, that's priceless.
Even grieving the loss of a pet must be acknowledged. I am still mourning his passing. It is NOT better for me to say to myself, oh he was just a cat, other losses are far more grievous . It is better for me to realize why I miss him so much and how he enriched my life. That loss was immediately followed three days later by the fire that left a church in ruins, a church where I had started to sing in the choir a year ago, a church of great historical significance here in Toronto. Trying to keep things in perspective but also recognizing when it is ok to grieve is vital for our mental health.
Thank you for such thoughtful writing.
Loss of a pet is a powerful part of this, Elizabeth. I had two people in mind who just had to put their aged dogs down when I wrote this. So very hard . Thank you.
Powerful post, Julia, and I appreciate your mentioning my work. In my introductory book on 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) - 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - I devote a chapter to 'Disenfranchised Grief', which is a term coined by a close colleague of Kubler-Ross, Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, in 1989. I also did a video on disenfranchised grief as related to adult survivors of FSA (one of my most popular videos to date on my YouTube channel), which any interested readers can check out here: https://youtu.be/8iHfcWKsRis.
Coming to terms with grief, finding the time, the space, the place, the ways to deal with it is a process that different people do differently, just like living, of which grief is part. To live fully is to grieve a loss. I have helped people over many years, over 100 of them, walk through the valley of the shadow. Does that make it any easier? No! My own father had a massive heart attack at age 67 that took him away from us. That was 45 years ago. Do I wish he had lived longer to share more of his love and wisdom with us? Of course, but that was not to be. How I, my mother and brother, came to terms with his death was enabled by how my Dad lived before dying. He was the best. A person of strong beliefs, a faith that strengthened his resolve, his service to others, his guidance and support for us early on, giving us independence to try new things, and the list goes on. One way I honor his life is through remembering all that he gave to me and try when and where I can to give back in the same ways. Other people do it differently. Wounds can heal if we look for ways to heal. If that means getting some help, as with other issues affecting our health and well-being, then go for it. What you can count on is that someone close to you is likely to die before you do and some day, you will be the one to check out. Guaranteed! How we are living may signal how we die. Choice is to change that, or not.