You're Too Old to Believe You Can't Be Sexy at Any Age!

Too Old for This Sh*t: How to Take Your Life Back from an Ageist Society

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

Would you like to be called “old fresh meat?”

In China, apparently, that’s a compliment.

In case you haven’t heard of Wang Deshun, here you go.

Now 88, this hip, happy and healthy popular figure on the catwalk and at the gym is helping to rewrite how people see the aging process.

Is he a one-off?

Not at all. I appreciate the hype he’s enjoying, and all the stories which underscore his achievements. I know of plenty of people who are doing much the same thing, with the possible exception of modeling at fashion shows.

Deshun has been a sensation for a few years now, and is continuing to carve out a spot for himself. The problem I have is the hype. Yes, he’s great fun. He’s come into his own, getting his pilot’s license at 85.

Should you try to be like Deshun? The hype implies that we should.

As I’ve written elsewhere, shit on the shoulds.

What’s our excuse, right? (I really hate that question, BTW)

He’s not alone. This woman, below, also nearing ninety, has become a sensation in China as well.

What’s with this? Does China know something we don’t?

Nope.

If you were to do a little Googling, you’ll find that the Chinese are just as ga-ga as we are about oldsters who rewrite the narrative on aging. Yet there are plenty of people all over the world who are doing similar things, achieving all kinds of personal bests once they finally separated themselves from previous identities and decided to morph into something brand-new.

My buddy and fellow writer/explorer/adventurer

Randy Roig

, who is well past sixty and in Central Asia for an extended trip, shared this with me recently:

On the trip I am on, there are 5 people (3 women and 2 men) who are 85 or older, all relatively fit and doing the hiking with the group, but none of them matching the "fitness" model shown in most media outlets. This is one of the few groups that I have traveled with where I am among the youngest - and I am working hard to keep up with the rest. I want to be like them when I grow up!! And they all have pointed to a time when they decided that the model bodies shown in the media outlets were not for them. (author bolded)

I think that’s sexy. Deciding to decouple from cruel standards and write your own.

Deposit photos. Do you HAVE to do this? NO.

“Old fresh meat” aside, it’s not about modeling per se.

It's also not about looks or perfection. Not about perfect health, either. If we live long enough we're going to have to deal with something unpleasant. Maybe several somethings unpleasant, and perhaps VERY unpleasant.

Randy and his wife, who have traveled all over the world, have dealt with joint replacements and major injuries just like I have. Some of the people I’ve met on my trips are dealing with medical issues that will never heal, yet there they are anyway.

What’s sexy is how we deal with what we’re dealt.

You and I are WAY Too Old to be bludgeoned by social messaging into believing that sexiness is solely about youth, looks and physical perfection.

First though, let's address the physical.

You can find plenty of stories about people past seventy who are getting into weights and transforming themselves. As a lifetime bodybuilder, I’ve seen this for years; it isn’t some huge new thing, it’s that the combination of rampant ageism and age-hate combined with social media has given people a platform from which to push back.

Lots of folks have been at the forefront of the weights and bodybuilding for aging folks. In my world, that would be Ernestine Shepherd, now 87:

People have been strong, capable and able well into their hundreds for years. It’s not just Blue Zones either. In agrarian economies, anywhere hunting and foraging means survival, all family members contribute to the good of the family and community until injury, disease, disaster or just extreme old age takes them.

When I traveled to northern Vietnam, I met plenty of men and women in their nineties who were working the rice paddies every day. They moved more slowly, but they were fit, lively and strong. They had to be. There’s no safety net to catch them at 65 so that they can just sit on the porch and watch everyone else work.

Besides, they told me, they’d be bored silly. They loved being active, useful, and above all, physically strong. That was baked into their culture.

The conveniences we insist on in the West have cost us plenty. While we’ve made gains on one end in terms of life expectancy, the other aspects of how we eat, avoid movement and isolate ourselves are aging us rapidly.

So stories like Deshun and about so-called Super Geezers may seem like big news, but only if you are part of a society that values conveniences over effort.

You and I are WAY Too Old to believe that such active people are outliers.

They aren’t outliers. And that’s excellent news.

In every community there are plenty of older folks who are very active, who are doing pretty amazing things, making a difference, living longer and happier lives. They’re our neighbors, the people who sell us groceries, the folks leading trips into the mountains and overseas.

Most don’t seek the spotlight. If you dig a little, you'll find out that they deal with sore joints, various aches and pains, a variety of issues, perhaps big ones, that they don't allow to take center stage.

What makes them sexy is their zest for life. What’s sexy about Wang Deshun to me are his verve, energy, enthusiasm and puckish good humor.

Active people- and here I include active in all ways, not just physically- are sexy because they bring so much more to the table.

It isn’t just about a gorgeous body, a tiny waist, smooth skin, all the measurements used to determine hotness at twenty. Those are nice, sure, but for most of us, not likely.

What is possible for us is a sexy made up of humor, intelligence, enthusiasm, perspective, joy in living, the ability to take the shit sandwiches with life’s desserts and call it all just deserts, pun intended.

It’s sexy to be able to make fun of what is inevitable, the losses we all experience from people to pets to our personal bests. It’s sexy to poke fun at what time and age take, and what those losses often drop at our doorsteps in return.

When the dog runs off with our dentures, for example.

When Father Time runs off with our butts.

When Mother Nature installs boobs on men and nose hair on women.

Sexy is getting the joke and laughing with it.

When we strip away the ridiculous notion that sexiness is solely about the body, then most anyone can be sexy. My ex was physically sexy but we hardly ever laughed. He was one hell of a physical specimen. When all the sweating is over with, what do you talk about?

Physicality only goes so far. As we age, since most of us aren’t Wang Deshun or most of the other extraordinary specimens who have found ways to stay or get in superb shape very late in life, perhaps being sexy means fun to be with.

Such as when you and I are interesting and respectful enough to debate ideas with courtesy and respect. It’s sexy to admit you’re wrong, laugh at it, and move on.

What isn't sexy is a man who regales you with graphic details of his colonoscopy on the first date, over dinner. True story.

Photo by Vladimir Soares on Unsplash

Sexy to you may not at all be what’s sexy to me, which is part of the fun. But to my mind, as the body inevitably changes in ways that become difficult to negotiate at some point, other, more lasting characteristics, like character and kindness, become far sexier. At least, more so than a six-pack set of silicone abs or someone whose fourteen plastic surgeries make them look like they’re standing behind a jet engine just before takeoff.

Nearly every article I found addressing “sexy” in the first five to six pages of Google had nothing to do with older folks. As if sex and togetherness and physicality and all that comes with being with another human dies a sad death at sixty, right?

First, that’s patently untrue. As lots of older folks have discovered, love blooms any time. Just because the vessel is older that doesn’t mean that it can’t engage in intimacy and above all, love.

But what’s sexy?

That's as unique as a fingerprint. Most of what I read also supported the idea that humor, humility, joy in life, grace, the ability to roll with life's right hooks play a far larger role than any rolls of fat that we shame ourselves for.

Physical vitality, the work we put into being our best, supported by good food that works for our particular body and lots of good movement go a very long way. That’s a setup for being more at ease in our bodies as we age, even as we have to face age-related changes.

Many of the body’s age-related change can be slowed down by good diet and exercise, but ultimately, we owe the Earth the stardust we’ve borrowed.

Here the other two come into play: the rich social structure all of us need to feel valued and to bring value to others, and a reason to lace up the sneakers every morning. Those are what help us stave off depression and feel loved.

I used to believe with my entire being that the looks and the body, those parts of me most guaranteed to deteriorate with age were what made me sexy. The older I get, the more I realize how big a lie this is.

I believe that sexy is what we make of life. All the energy and gratitude and interest in others and being willing to risk, and being able laugh really really hard when we fail. We get lots of practice at that.

But these are just my thoughts.

What’s sexy to you, especially as you get older?

For my part, it’s very sexy to make the worst of life into a comedy reel.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I’m going to go mow the outdoor rug growing in my nose with a Weedwhacker.

Let’s play.

Photo by Vincent Botta on Unsplash

Thank you for joining me today to take a poke at societal norms, and further normalize aging as a wonderful process. If this was valuable to you, please consider

If you know someone who is mourning lost youth and might be able to use an invitation to rewrite what makes us attractive, please also consider

Above all, let’s embrace the changes, and find ways to dance with them. Thanks for reading.