Sexy is partnering with a man of the opposite sex, who is a grown up, creates no drama, and has a sweet soul. I attempt everyday to be the same. And to reiterate, Julia’s comment, Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.
So true. And I dare say I find it sad that so many who are entering the wiser years feel that they need to be "sexy". There is a time for sexy and a time for becoming an elder. So many old people and so few elders nowadays. Too much focus on trying to be youthful forever. It is so lovely to see a vibrant 20 year old, fully embracing being 20. It is equally as lovely to see a 40 year old, being fully 40 and a 75 year old being fully 75. We miss out on so much when we try to be other than what we are. All blessings. https://gregorypettys.substack.com/
agree - seems like we spent all our youth trying to be something someone else told us to be, and now we're still doing the same thing – the advantage of being old should be to tell other people what to do, not listening them tell us what to do!
I was on my way to getting that handstand and rotator cuff issues got in the way, an old injury. I felt like superwoman doing a handstand but that has been temporarily take. Away. Noting is torn but I have years of scar tissue and now physical therapy. I want that back, but I'll have to wait. There are 70 yearold body builders but how????
Jane, we start with simple exercises. We start where we are and as Amy writes, we give ourselves the grace to BE where we are and work with what we have. I can do one hundred pushups, which is like your handstands, right? ONE HUNDRED. Then I had to have four surgeries, two on each hand, and coming back takes time. We are where we are. Vilifying ourselves for getting older is beyond cruel, because for chrissakes, Jane, what's the option? We are alive, we're here, we've earned where we are. EARNED IT. EARNED the wrinkles and the sag and all the rest.
You start where you are. START WHERE YOU ARE. You don't berate yourself for aging, when you have the gift of life, and with that gift of life you're able to do so many things with your time.
I strongly suggest you invest in Breaking the Age Code by Dr. Becca Levy. She writes about the power of attitude, and the conversations we have with ourselves and how that impacts how we age. I'm not going to tell you to buy my book, WordFood, but I will say that how you speak to yourself determines your quality of life. If you wouldn't speak to a friend or a beloved child the way you speak to yourself, it's time to look at those conversations. As Amy pointed out, treat yourself like a dear friend, for you are.
I've had twelve major surgeries in five years, the result of extreme adventure travel and 50 years of bodybuilding. I've EARNED IT. My body, now 71, shows the world how hard it's worked. I am proud of it. You earned the right to be proud of yours.
Challenge the societal bullshit that you should be ashamed of being 55. More than a hundred thousand people didn't wake up today. You did. Celebrate the time you have and buy those gorgeous panties. But that's just me.
Thank you. I have friends much younger that did not make it to my age and the shame I feel makes it worse that I'm struggling with those issues. I think underneath it really isn't about looks. I ask myself what am I afraid of? What do I feel I can't control? When it comes down to it concerns about looks and aging can have more to do with how you feel inside than your physical appearance
In fact, Jane, you nailed it. They have nothing to do with your external biut those concerns get manifested that way. We need to find our intrinsic value and that really is a journey.
Thank you. At 55 I'm struggling with my appearance today and many times. Physically I'm hurting from Chronic health conditions. Arthristis and tendonitis. I'm trying, really. I so wanted botox and plastic surgery today, thinking maybe I'd feel better if I could fix my appearance. It's hard to feel sexy when I see sagging in the mirror sorry. I know it's inner beauty, but internally I don't feel that
At 71, I've gone through that. And I had a face lift at fifty, which temporarily made me feel better but didn't change anything else. While I am NO doctor, I would challenge your diet, for what it's worth, as sometimes chronic health conditions, which I have had, respond to dietary changes. I recently had a slew of work done and it turns out that my overabundance of certain otherwise healthy foods was causing much higher uric acid levels, and that leads to all kinds of issues, and I thought I ate healthy. Might be worth looking into although I'll bet you have. David Perlmutter's Drop Acid might be instructive. It's not for me to say. I think so many things can be traced back to food but that doesn't make me right. However, that's not the bigger issue. The bigger issue is you, and your right to enjoy who you are and who you're growing into.
This is a really important transitional time for you, a time for letting go and walking into who you will be next. All the things which are taken off the table right now, the pretty card, the youth card, the rights we might have had via youth and looks are being slowly removed. Each one of us deals with this, Jane, it can be terribly painful, and for some it can be hugely rewarding. I felt both. It takes time, time is the one thing you don't want to give this kind of pain, but it is the only remedy. Patience, humor, curiosity about what your body might be telling you. I'm not fool enough to say "just do this" and all will be well.
Bullshit, frankly. For each one of us who passes from fifty to sixty has a unique experience. I can say, for what it's worth, that uncoupling from determining our value via our looks is critical to your future health for this reason alone, and this is just a general statement, not directed at you: what we worships owns us. If we worship youth and beauty we will die a million deaths before you're planted (look up David Foster Wallace commencement speech). We MUST release our attachments to those external things we believe validate our worth, or be imprisoned in misery for the rest of our lives. And no it isn't one damned bit easy. But you can do this.
At 55 I was working 90 hours a week at work that I liked but didn't love. Three years later I wrote my first book which won three prizes. Two years after that I climbed Kilimanjaro and launched an adventure travel career. Part of that was that I didn't care any more what the weather did to my face. I wanted what life did for my heart. That is NOT to say "be like me." It IS to say, trust your journey. Trust your process. It may not feel like it but by god Jane, you are precisely where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing and feeling what you need to feel right now.
You are a gift to yourself and the world right here, right now, AS YOU ARE.
Finding your way there is up to you. I'm still working on my journey, but I largely left my worries about my face at the bottom of Kilimanjaro in November, 2013. I see you, I feel what you're saying, and I also believe you are doing to do whatever you need to do to carve your own path.
Julia. Wholly shit! Climbed Kilimanjaro . With or sans an earlier facelift the elements reek havoc 😂. Impressive you are in every way. I openly share my 73 years . Proud to have made it thru the forests primeval!
Yes they do. Kili was an appetizer, Jennifer, I threw myself into adventure travel for twelve years, and am about to get back out there soon as I get this boot off and can train fully again. I've done Kili and Mt Kenya and the Everest Base Camp and Macchu Picchu and much much more. It's what I do- stupid things, then write about them, in the hopes that someone will be inspired to take a hike around the block!
71??? A typo right?? I had the pretty card. I'll admit it,but now what? It sounds shallow. I have osteoarthritis bone on bone and an inoperable meniscus (a sports injury in my teens predisposed me to this). It happens so fast. I had no warning. I also have tendonitis from my jobs, which have all been physical and working out past pain when I noticed these issues. I did this to myself.
This was a fun read, and I love your definitions of sexy! I used to focus solely on the physical attributes when seeking mates... big mistake! Now, I think that vitality, zest for life, humor, curiosity and humility are sexy!
My uncle is in his 90s. He is an active member of the Rotary Club. He takes ‘old people’ on outings, driving them in a minibus. Some of them are twenty years his junior!
My cousin, 70, can lift her own body weight at the gym; she is lean and muscular and has had a personal trainer for a decade.
These family members are a total inspiration to me. And yes, that level of commitment to life and health and community is sexy.
You really underscore how wonderful it is to have inspiration close to us. My mother worked out to Jack LaLane decades ago, but gave up late in life. But that was an example I never forgot and I still have her six pound iron dumbbells in my home gym.
Julia, I loved this! Thank you. Exactly the topic I needed to read as I prepare myself to venture into dating and defining what 'sexy' is for me, and to me. And you've nailed it here.
I haven't been on the receiving end of a colonoscopy story over dinner, but that sounds way sexier than a man that refuses to get a prostate exam for whatever made-up theory about masculinity that he's held onto.
There's that. However....that did seem like a bit much for a first date. Now that you mention it, I wonder if he heard that very complaint from a previous flame and decided to head it off at the pass? Still...I'll give it a pass!
The older I get, the more I am realizing this is true. I also knew, in 6th grade, that beauty fades. So I started working on my personality at that point.
Thank you for this newsletter. It’s such an important topic for people.
Hell, Jodi, I'm talking to myself as much as I am to everyone else. There's nothing here that I don't deal with head-on, and every day. I am so grateful to folks for the comments, that's where I get so much value. Thank you.
Every. Single. Time when I see a sex scene on TV that starts with some nubile siren being slammed up against a wall by some hunk of beefcake, I think: 1. Ouch, and 2. Thank God I'm exempt — from that whole stupid script for what's sexy. I only wish I could highlight my fave phrases in your piece, Julia, because there are many, and you said it so perfectly, but in sum -- you nailed when you expressed sexy = fun to be with. A zest for life. And for, always and above all, HUMOR.
Why do they ALWAYS have the wall-slamming? It’s so weird! It always looks more like assault than romance. And the “grasping-at-each-other-while-one-of-them-shuts-the-door-behind-them.” So unsexy. Where’s the coordination?
Then again, in older movies (1940s) it always seemed like the guys would grasp so hard at the women’s upper arms it looked like it would leave a bruise, before planting one on them, like it or not.
Zest, fitness, vitality, joy of living… curiosity, work ethic, good health …and physicality as you call it… sex. Sex is wonderful at 80…our bodies react and adjust. I’m a widow and he’s a widow… mighta started with comfort and alcohol… but it’s been ten years and all good. Not a couple, no committed … just chemistry, laughing, listening, companionship. 😊
I'll take comfort and all the rest of that list. I've been alone a long time and kinda gave that up, but you never know. What a wonderful comment, Joan.
Thanks Holly, that's very kind. BTW I saw your piece the other day about pain and a diagnosis. I don't know what it is but I am all too familiar with the pain piece. With luck we navigate, and here's to good meds and the healing quality of laughter and dopamine.
I agree 100% that sexy is about more than just looks. That said, my comfort with my body as a 56 year old woman is the best it's ever been. Maybe I'm making up for all the years I didn't feel sexy, or it could just be an expression of grief after my husband died 2.5 years ago, but I found I love dressing up in lingerie and taking my own photos. I consider myself an artist, and a disrupter of what is acceptable as a woman of any age, but especially an "older" woman. I write about sex, and grief, and social justice issues. As I've gotten older, and been through some really tough experiences, I don't give many f*cks about what other people think. I'm not for everyone, and I'm fine with that.
Okay, this may sound weird, but this is what I did. I bought some spicy lingerie and costumes (cheap stuff on Amazon or 3Wishes), and did my own boudoir photoshoots using my iPhone. I am NOT a professional photographer or model. I bought myself a cheap tripod with a ring light and a remote control to take photos using Bluetooth (this all comes together for $30-50). I do not advocate posting them on Instagram, but that's what I did. I'm a combination of advocate for 40+ women to dress however they want and a bit of an exhibitionist. If you don't feel comfortable taking photos, that's totally fine! It can be your little secret that you do for yourself. There's something very sexy about having a little secret part of yourself that no one would ever guess. I don't feel sexy every minute of every day, but there's something about dressing up (or down 🤣) that makes me feel sexy and it gives me my spark back. My IG is @jenny.manhattan.milf - I have the little blue check because a couple of fake accounts have strung up.
Worth a try. My husband and I were shopping and I whispered to him that I should get those sexy panties. He's like why? His first thought was dollar signs. I felt embarrassed. I was feeling young and having fun. I saw someone glance over at us when I tried to explain why. The voice is my head was why should a 50 yearold woman be buying those? I'm in decent shape for my age but I think of my age and feel like a fool
Jane, I feel you. Getting older is no joke. I’m so sorry if my response sounded flip, like some lacy panties will fix everything. They most definitely won’t, but doing my hair and makeup, and putting on something sexy, helped get me up and out of bed when I felt I had no other reason to do so. When I first started posting my photos, I would use filters and editing apps to fix what I saw as imperfections. Eventually I got tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I stopped filtering and fixing (except for exposure if photos were too dark) and posted pictures with my saggy stomach (I had a large baby at 45) and no one noticed. I’ve had some physical set backs too — back surgery in July for a herniated disc with severe nerve compression. I had awful sciatica, and had to use a cane. I fought to have surgery because I couldn’t imagine waiting 6 months to see if PT would help. I am much better now, but I have a lot of aches and soreness I didn’t have before. Honestly, I’m just glad I’m alive and my son and I are healthy. I had 3 years to watch cancer and chemo take my husband from me. I feel like a fool all the time, but I’ll take that over suppressing who I am. This has been a long process for me. Go slowly, and be kind to yourself. When that mean voice in your head tells you you’re a fool, ask yourself ”whose voice is that?” — parents, spouse, society? Then as yourself if it’s really helping you? That mean voice thinks it’s protecting you from getting hurt, but it’s not. I talk back to my mean voice and say, “Thank you for trying to protect Amy, but she’s got this. She’s a woman who can take care of herself now. You aren’t helping her — please go away.” Go slowly, and give yourself as much grace as you would give a friend going through a difficult time. Sending hugs 🥰🤗
Not flip at all. My biggest struggle is the walls I keep hitting fitness wise and adjusting. First osteoarthritis and now calcified tendonitis. I want to get back to doing handstands, but I will. It doesn't mean I'm any less sexy because I have old lady issues like arthristis and shoulder issues. Looking at me you wouldn't guess, but I'm limited. I can't run anymore. Or lift heavy weights and aerobic yoga is challenging. So I will continue physical therapy and be patient
Amy, I think that when we relax into the body we have, the skin we're in, we get a whole lot sexier. When I WAS tiny I obsessed over every single G.D. OUNCE. I was insufferable because I was suffering. I think that makes a huge difference. I am very sorry for your loss, but am glad you're rising into yourself on your own terms.
A great sense of humor is sexy. Laughing at yourself and with others. I love making people laugh. Here is my favorite line these days. Remember when we got together all we talked about was sex? Now we talk about The Plan. Do you have a plan? Age in place, nursing home, memory care, convincing one of your children you won’t be a bother?
Thank you for writing this as it resonated deeply for me. As someone who was always described as slim and pretty/hot I spent the first half of my life saying,” looks don’t matter that much” and “I’m not as dumb as my boobs make me look”.
Then I turned 50.
At first I felt the same- so much so that I was mildly shocked by how OLD I used to think 50 was. I was still small and got asked out often (which all women know is the litmus test of our sense of self 🙄).
Only one thing changed- for the first time ever I felt a little weird checking the age box or telling someone how old I was.
I started to notice that saying my age caused my voice to change ever so slightly.
WTH!? Was that anxiety or was I apologetic?
I wasn’t sure but pissed me off.
I’ve always been a bit of an outlier in terms of norms. When I asked my bff to write a blurb about me for a project she wrote, “She questions everything and if she doesn’t question it she has questions about it. She’s so contrary that if you tell her to hurry up she will slow down without even realizing. It’s like she’s a little feral cat”. God bless life long friends who pull no punches 😂
This is why I found myself frustrated and baffled by my own response to my age.
Why did I even care? Why do I?
Why is it that the moment I turned 50 I seemed to have crossed some arbitrary threshold from alive to just be grateful for the time left?!?
Two years later and I still grapple with this.
My body is getting softer and rounder for the first time in my life, but as katherine Hepburn said, “at some point you have to decide whether you want your face or your ass to look good” so I guess I’m choosing my face 😂
Mother Nature now graces me with the occasional pimple on top of a wrinkle which just feels cruel, but is also sort of funny.
Vacuuming has become my least favorite chore because it hurts my back- seriously wtf is that?! 🤷♀️
Other than that I’m not much different than I was pre 50.
I’m still contrary. I still get asked out.
I don’t dress in polyester pants and over size sweaters with cats on them.
I’m still very much alive.
Which means I’m not the one that changed so much as others idea of me has.
Or worse- my idea of other’s idea of me changed.
Great. Hi. It’s me. I’m the problem.
That really annoys me.
So much so that I went back to school and am now applying to grad school.
Is this the best use of the time and money I have left? Is it a useful field to study?
Most would say no.
Unequivocally I say yes.
Because if 50 really is an invisible line that marks the beginning of my end, then I damn well want to start doing things I actually like.
Which is my middle finger to the judgy bitch in my head who sounds apologetic and embarrassed when I’m asked my age as if I don’t have a right to proudly take up the space I’m still standing in - even if I’m standing rubbing that nagging ache in my back 😂
I’m definitely to old to believe this shit.
The one thing 50 has done well is remind me that if I’m not busy living than I am busy dying….it’s up to me to choose which sounds more appealing.
I feel shame when I say my age 55. I shouldn't!! People used to be shocked over my age and when I tell them my age now, there is no reaction and I sink into the rabit hole of depression
I feel you. Shameful admission here: every time I’m watching something with my daughter (23) and someone frumpy who is my age comes on I immediately freak and say,” you will tell me if I look like that right?!?”
And every time I freak out I die a little inside that I’m helping to pass this stupidity on to the next generation….but damn is it hard to remember in the moment .
Hugs! The truth is 62 looks somewhere between 31 and 69 these days 😂
So true. I think that inside and I'm like do I look that old? I think of how I used to judge and how I find myself judging, but is the joke on me? You're right 62 can look fabulous as 72 and 82
Steal away:) every conversation like this gives another person a chance to feel seen and validated in this world that is so quick to do neither after a certain age ;)
I think creativity and humour and kindness are sexy/attractive. I don’t really think in terms of sexy anymore, or very rarely! I find intelligence very attractive, in fact during Covid, my husband had to work from home. He was general counsel for a big luxury goods group, and I had never heard him on the phone before in his GC hat, not for hours on end . And I kept thinking, my goodness he’s so clever! How can he know all that stuff!! It was an interesting experience. Good article, Madame! You’re clever too🙏🤗
Sexy is partnering with a man of the opposite sex, who is a grown up, creates no drama, and has a sweet soul. I attempt everyday to be the same. And to reiterate, Julia’s comment, Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.
So true. And I dare say I find it sad that so many who are entering the wiser years feel that they need to be "sexy". There is a time for sexy and a time for becoming an elder. So many old people and so few elders nowadays. Too much focus on trying to be youthful forever. It is so lovely to see a vibrant 20 year old, fully embracing being 20. It is equally as lovely to see a 40 year old, being fully 40 and a 75 year old being fully 75. We miss out on so much when we try to be other than what we are. All blessings. https://gregorypettys.substack.com/
agree - seems like we spent all our youth trying to be something someone else told us to be, and now we're still doing the same thing – the advantage of being old should be to tell other people what to do, not listening them tell us what to do!
I was on my way to getting that handstand and rotator cuff issues got in the way, an old injury. I felt like superwoman doing a handstand but that has been temporarily take. Away. Noting is torn but I have years of scar tissue and now physical therapy. I want that back, but I'll have to wait. There are 70 yearold body builders but how????
Jane, we start with simple exercises. We start where we are and as Amy writes, we give ourselves the grace to BE where we are and work with what we have. I can do one hundred pushups, which is like your handstands, right? ONE HUNDRED. Then I had to have four surgeries, two on each hand, and coming back takes time. We are where we are. Vilifying ourselves for getting older is beyond cruel, because for chrissakes, Jane, what's the option? We are alive, we're here, we've earned where we are. EARNED IT. EARNED the wrinkles and the sag and all the rest.
Look up these women: https://www.essentiallysports.com/bodybuilding-news-its-never-too-late-seventy-six-year-old-bodybuilding-grandma-broke-barriers-with-jaw-dropping-figure-in/
https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/mind-and-body/joan-macdonald-73-year-old-fitness-fanatic
You start where you are. START WHERE YOU ARE. You don't berate yourself for aging, when you have the gift of life, and with that gift of life you're able to do so many things with your time.
I strongly suggest you invest in Breaking the Age Code by Dr. Becca Levy. She writes about the power of attitude, and the conversations we have with ourselves and how that impacts how we age. I'm not going to tell you to buy my book, WordFood, but I will say that how you speak to yourself determines your quality of life. If you wouldn't speak to a friend or a beloved child the way you speak to yourself, it's time to look at those conversations. As Amy pointed out, treat yourself like a dear friend, for you are.
I've had twelve major surgeries in five years, the result of extreme adventure travel and 50 years of bodybuilding. I've EARNED IT. My body, now 71, shows the world how hard it's worked. I am proud of it. You earned the right to be proud of yours.
Challenge the societal bullshit that you should be ashamed of being 55. More than a hundred thousand people didn't wake up today. You did. Celebrate the time you have and buy those gorgeous panties. But that's just me.
Thank you. I have friends much younger that did not make it to my age and the shame I feel makes it worse that I'm struggling with those issues. I think underneath it really isn't about looks. I ask myself what am I afraid of? What do I feel I can't control? When it comes down to it concerns about looks and aging can have more to do with how you feel inside than your physical appearance
In fact, Jane, you nailed it. They have nothing to do with your external biut those concerns get manifested that way. We need to find our intrinsic value and that really is a journey.
Thank you. At 55 I'm struggling with my appearance today and many times. Physically I'm hurting from Chronic health conditions. Arthristis and tendonitis. I'm trying, really. I so wanted botox and plastic surgery today, thinking maybe I'd feel better if I could fix my appearance. It's hard to feel sexy when I see sagging in the mirror sorry. I know it's inner beauty, but internally I don't feel that
At 71, I've gone through that. And I had a face lift at fifty, which temporarily made me feel better but didn't change anything else. While I am NO doctor, I would challenge your diet, for what it's worth, as sometimes chronic health conditions, which I have had, respond to dietary changes. I recently had a slew of work done and it turns out that my overabundance of certain otherwise healthy foods was causing much higher uric acid levels, and that leads to all kinds of issues, and I thought I ate healthy. Might be worth looking into although I'll bet you have. David Perlmutter's Drop Acid might be instructive. It's not for me to say. I think so many things can be traced back to food but that doesn't make me right. However, that's not the bigger issue. The bigger issue is you, and your right to enjoy who you are and who you're growing into.
This is a really important transitional time for you, a time for letting go and walking into who you will be next. All the things which are taken off the table right now, the pretty card, the youth card, the rights we might have had via youth and looks are being slowly removed. Each one of us deals with this, Jane, it can be terribly painful, and for some it can be hugely rewarding. I felt both. It takes time, time is the one thing you don't want to give this kind of pain, but it is the only remedy. Patience, humor, curiosity about what your body might be telling you. I'm not fool enough to say "just do this" and all will be well.
Bullshit, frankly. For each one of us who passes from fifty to sixty has a unique experience. I can say, for what it's worth, that uncoupling from determining our value via our looks is critical to your future health for this reason alone, and this is just a general statement, not directed at you: what we worships owns us. If we worship youth and beauty we will die a million deaths before you're planted (look up David Foster Wallace commencement speech). We MUST release our attachments to those external things we believe validate our worth, or be imprisoned in misery for the rest of our lives. And no it isn't one damned bit easy. But you can do this.
At 55 I was working 90 hours a week at work that I liked but didn't love. Three years later I wrote my first book which won three prizes. Two years after that I climbed Kilimanjaro and launched an adventure travel career. Part of that was that I didn't care any more what the weather did to my face. I wanted what life did for my heart. That is NOT to say "be like me." It IS to say, trust your journey. Trust your process. It may not feel like it but by god Jane, you are precisely where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing and feeling what you need to feel right now.
You are a gift to yourself and the world right here, right now, AS YOU ARE.
Finding your way there is up to you. I'm still working on my journey, but I largely left my worries about my face at the bottom of Kilimanjaro in November, 2013. I see you, I feel what you're saying, and I also believe you are doing to do whatever you need to do to carve your own path.
Julia. Wholly shit! Climbed Kilimanjaro . With or sans an earlier facelift the elements reek havoc 😂. Impressive you are in every way. I openly share my 73 years . Proud to have made it thru the forests primeval!
Yes they do. Kili was an appetizer, Jennifer, I threw myself into adventure travel for twelve years, and am about to get back out there soon as I get this boot off and can train fully again. I've done Kili and Mt Kenya and the Everest Base Camp and Macchu Picchu and much much more. It's what I do- stupid things, then write about them, in the hopes that someone will be inspired to take a hike around the block!
71??? A typo right?? I had the pretty card. I'll admit it,but now what? It sounds shallow. I have osteoarthritis bone on bone and an inoperable meniscus (a sports injury in my teens predisposed me to this). It happens so fast. I had no warning. I also have tendonitis from my jobs, which have all been physical and working out past pain when I noticed these issues. I did this to myself.
Yep, 71...and counting!
This was a fun read, and I love your definitions of sexy! I used to focus solely on the physical attributes when seeking mates... big mistake! Now, I think that vitality, zest for life, humor, curiosity and humility are sexy!
Thanks so much Louisa!
My uncle is in his 90s. He is an active member of the Rotary Club. He takes ‘old people’ on outings, driving them in a minibus. Some of them are twenty years his junior!
My cousin, 70, can lift her own body weight at the gym; she is lean and muscular and has had a personal trainer for a decade.
These family members are a total inspiration to me. And yes, that level of commitment to life and health and community is sexy.
You really underscore how wonderful it is to have inspiration close to us. My mother worked out to Jack LaLane decades ago, but gave up late in life. But that was an example I never forgot and I still have her six pound iron dumbbells in my home gym.
Julia, I loved this! Thank you. Exactly the topic I needed to read as I prepare myself to venture into dating and defining what 'sexy' is for me, and to me. And you've nailed it here.
I just stumbled on this. Put it aside for now, for now you have bigger things, but this made me think of your Three Ds, and it might offer a little light. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/30/divorce-women-marriage?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us
Great article, Julia. Thanks for sharing.
For me, boy, talk about the last frontier...I seriously doubt that's in my future. But stranger things have happened. First, though, a DOG.
I haven't been on the receiving end of a colonoscopy story over dinner, but that sounds way sexier than a man that refuses to get a prostate exam for whatever made-up theory about masculinity that he's held onto.
There's that. However....that did seem like a bit much for a first date. Now that you mention it, I wonder if he heard that very complaint from a previous flame and decided to head it off at the pass? Still...I'll give it a pass!
The older I get, the more I am realizing this is true. I also knew, in 6th grade, that beauty fades. So I started working on my personality at that point.
Thank you for this newsletter. It’s such an important topic for people.
Hell, Jodi, I'm talking to myself as much as I am to everyone else. There's nothing here that I don't deal with head-on, and every day. I am so grateful to folks for the comments, that's where I get so much value. Thank you.
Every. Single. Time when I see a sex scene on TV that starts with some nubile siren being slammed up against a wall by some hunk of beefcake, I think: 1. Ouch, and 2. Thank God I'm exempt — from that whole stupid script for what's sexy. I only wish I could highlight my fave phrases in your piece, Julia, because there are many, and you said it so perfectly, but in sum -- you nailed when you expressed sexy = fun to be with. A zest for life. And for, always and above all, HUMOR.
Why do they ALWAYS have the wall-slamming? It’s so weird! It always looks more like assault than romance. And the “grasping-at-each-other-while-one-of-them-shuts-the-door-behind-them.” So unsexy. Where’s the coordination?
Then again, in older movies (1940s) it always seemed like the guys would grasp so hard at the women’s upper arms it looked like it would leave a bruise, before planting one on them, like it or not.
There's passion, and there's abuse, not to be confused with each other.
I know, right?? I suspect zero of those scenes were written by women.
I suspect you are spot on.
Zest, fitness, vitality, joy of living… curiosity, work ethic, good health …and physicality as you call it… sex. Sex is wonderful at 80…our bodies react and adjust. I’m a widow and he’s a widow… mighta started with comfort and alcohol… but it’s been ten years and all good. Not a couple, no committed … just chemistry, laughing, listening, companionship. 😊
I'll take comfort and all the rest of that list. I've been alone a long time and kinda gave that up, but you never know. What a wonderful comment, Joan.
Sexy outside of the box/body?! Hell yes. “Sexy is what we make of life”! Julia, I love your take on all things we’re too damn old for. ❤️🔥
Thanks Holly, that's very kind. BTW I saw your piece the other day about pain and a diagnosis. I don't know what it is but I am all too familiar with the pain piece. With luck we navigate, and here's to good meds and the healing quality of laughter and dopamine.
Too true! I’ve been looking for things that make me laugh, and it does me so much good. :)
Every day & evening , my partner and I laugh together. It’s so much fun to have surprise moments of joy & laughter. It’s definitely sexy. 💛
“He makes me laugh.” - Jessica Rabbit
Great quote!
I agree 100% that sexy is about more than just looks. That said, my comfort with my body as a 56 year old woman is the best it's ever been. Maybe I'm making up for all the years I didn't feel sexy, or it could just be an expression of grief after my husband died 2.5 years ago, but I found I love dressing up in lingerie and taking my own photos. I consider myself an artist, and a disrupter of what is acceptable as a woman of any age, but especially an "older" woman. I write about sex, and grief, and social justice issues. As I've gotten older, and been through some really tough experiences, I don't give many f*cks about what other people think. I'm not for everyone, and I'm fine with that.
I am 55 and struggling with everything that is changing and today is a tough day. I want to get my spark back if that makes sense
Okay, this may sound weird, but this is what I did. I bought some spicy lingerie and costumes (cheap stuff on Amazon or 3Wishes), and did my own boudoir photoshoots using my iPhone. I am NOT a professional photographer or model. I bought myself a cheap tripod with a ring light and a remote control to take photos using Bluetooth (this all comes together for $30-50). I do not advocate posting them on Instagram, but that's what I did. I'm a combination of advocate for 40+ women to dress however they want and a bit of an exhibitionist. If you don't feel comfortable taking photos, that's totally fine! It can be your little secret that you do for yourself. There's something very sexy about having a little secret part of yourself that no one would ever guess. I don't feel sexy every minute of every day, but there's something about dressing up (or down 🤣) that makes me feel sexy and it gives me my spark back. My IG is @jenny.manhattan.milf - I have the little blue check because a couple of fake accounts have strung up.
Worth a try. My husband and I were shopping and I whispered to him that I should get those sexy panties. He's like why? His first thought was dollar signs. I felt embarrassed. I was feeling young and having fun. I saw someone glance over at us when I tried to explain why. The voice is my head was why should a 50 yearold woman be buying those? I'm in decent shape for my age but I think of my age and feel like a fool
Jane, I feel you. Getting older is no joke. I’m so sorry if my response sounded flip, like some lacy panties will fix everything. They most definitely won’t, but doing my hair and makeup, and putting on something sexy, helped get me up and out of bed when I felt I had no other reason to do so. When I first started posting my photos, I would use filters and editing apps to fix what I saw as imperfections. Eventually I got tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I stopped filtering and fixing (except for exposure if photos were too dark) and posted pictures with my saggy stomach (I had a large baby at 45) and no one noticed. I’ve had some physical set backs too — back surgery in July for a herniated disc with severe nerve compression. I had awful sciatica, and had to use a cane. I fought to have surgery because I couldn’t imagine waiting 6 months to see if PT would help. I am much better now, but I have a lot of aches and soreness I didn’t have before. Honestly, I’m just glad I’m alive and my son and I are healthy. I had 3 years to watch cancer and chemo take my husband from me. I feel like a fool all the time, but I’ll take that over suppressing who I am. This has been a long process for me. Go slowly, and be kind to yourself. When that mean voice in your head tells you you’re a fool, ask yourself ”whose voice is that?” — parents, spouse, society? Then as yourself if it’s really helping you? That mean voice thinks it’s protecting you from getting hurt, but it’s not. I talk back to my mean voice and say, “Thank you for trying to protect Amy, but she’s got this. She’s a woman who can take care of herself now. You aren’t helping her — please go away.” Go slowly, and give yourself as much grace as you would give a friend going through a difficult time. Sending hugs 🥰🤗
Not flip at all. My biggest struggle is the walls I keep hitting fitness wise and adjusting. First osteoarthritis and now calcified tendonitis. I want to get back to doing handstands, but I will. It doesn't mean I'm any less sexy because I have old lady issues like arthristis and shoulder issues. Looking at me you wouldn't guess, but I'm limited. I can't run anymore. Or lift heavy weights and aerobic yoga is challenging. So I will continue physical therapy and be patient
Not the slightest bit weird. Sounds to be like staking out Amy's territory on your terms!
Also, Amy, thanks so much for chiming in.
Amy, I think that when we relax into the body we have, the skin we're in, we get a whole lot sexier. When I WAS tiny I obsessed over every single G.D. OUNCE. I was insufferable because I was suffering. I think that makes a huge difference. I am very sorry for your loss, but am glad you're rising into yourself on your own terms.
A great sense of humor is sexy. Laughing at yourself and with others. I love making people laugh. Here is my favorite line these days. Remember when we got together all we talked about was sex? Now we talk about The Plan. Do you have a plan? Age in place, nursing home, memory care, convincing one of your children you won’t be a bother?
Can I steal this? Let me know. This is too good not to share.
Okay, I fell off my chair. That's priceless. And that deserves an article of its own.
Thanks! I have gotten a lot laughs from my multiple mahjong groups. I have an idea how I can work that into one of my Dating Dinosaur posts. 🦕
Thank you for writing this as it resonated deeply for me. As someone who was always described as slim and pretty/hot I spent the first half of my life saying,” looks don’t matter that much” and “I’m not as dumb as my boobs make me look”.
Then I turned 50.
At first I felt the same- so much so that I was mildly shocked by how OLD I used to think 50 was. I was still small and got asked out often (which all women know is the litmus test of our sense of self 🙄).
Only one thing changed- for the first time ever I felt a little weird checking the age box or telling someone how old I was.
I started to notice that saying my age caused my voice to change ever so slightly.
WTH!? Was that anxiety or was I apologetic?
I wasn’t sure but pissed me off.
I’ve always been a bit of an outlier in terms of norms. When I asked my bff to write a blurb about me for a project she wrote, “She questions everything and if she doesn’t question it she has questions about it. She’s so contrary that if you tell her to hurry up she will slow down without even realizing. It’s like she’s a little feral cat”. God bless life long friends who pull no punches 😂
This is why I found myself frustrated and baffled by my own response to my age.
Why did I even care? Why do I?
Why is it that the moment I turned 50 I seemed to have crossed some arbitrary threshold from alive to just be grateful for the time left?!?
Two years later and I still grapple with this.
My body is getting softer and rounder for the first time in my life, but as katherine Hepburn said, “at some point you have to decide whether you want your face or your ass to look good” so I guess I’m choosing my face 😂
Mother Nature now graces me with the occasional pimple on top of a wrinkle which just feels cruel, but is also sort of funny.
Vacuuming has become my least favorite chore because it hurts my back- seriously wtf is that?! 🤷♀️
Other than that I’m not much different than I was pre 50.
I’m still contrary. I still get asked out.
I don’t dress in polyester pants and over size sweaters with cats on them.
I’m still very much alive.
Which means I’m not the one that changed so much as others idea of me has.
Or worse- my idea of other’s idea of me changed.
Great. Hi. It’s me. I’m the problem.
That really annoys me.
So much so that I went back to school and am now applying to grad school.
Is this the best use of the time and money I have left? Is it a useful field to study?
Most would say no.
Unequivocally I say yes.
Because if 50 really is an invisible line that marks the beginning of my end, then I damn well want to start doing things I actually like.
Which is my middle finger to the judgy bitch in my head who sounds apologetic and embarrassed when I’m asked my age as if I don’t have a right to proudly take up the space I’m still standing in - even if I’m standing rubbing that nagging ache in my back 😂
I’m definitely to old to believe this shit.
The one thing 50 has done well is remind me that if I’m not busy living than I am busy dying….it’s up to me to choose which sounds more appealing.
I feel shame when I say my age 55. I shouldn't!! People used to be shocked over my age and when I tell them my age now, there is no reaction and I sink into the rabit hole of depression
I feel you. Shameful admission here: every time I’m watching something with my daughter (23) and someone frumpy who is my age comes on I immediately freak and say,” you will tell me if I look like that right?!?”
And every time I freak out I die a little inside that I’m helping to pass this stupidity on to the next generation….but damn is it hard to remember in the moment .
Hugs! The truth is 62 looks somewhere between 31 and 69 these days 😂
So true. I think that inside and I'm like do I look that old? I think of how I used to judge and how I find myself judging, but is the joke on me? You're right 62 can look fabulous as 72 and 82
May I steal and quote you? I think you're hitting on a variety of commonly-felt pains and pangs. Let me know. Really valid.
Steal away:) every conversation like this gives another person a chance to feel seen and validated in this world that is so quick to do neither after a certain age ;)
I think creativity and humour and kindness are sexy/attractive. I don’t really think in terms of sexy anymore, or very rarely! I find intelligence very attractive, in fact during Covid, my husband had to work from home. He was general counsel for a big luxury goods group, and I had never heard him on the phone before in his GC hat, not for hours on end . And I kept thinking, my goodness he’s so clever! How can he know all that stuff!! It was an interesting experience. Good article, Madame! You’re clever too🙏🤗
Thank you!