This email has been in my inbox for days, I'm just now finding the time to read it. I'm so glad I waited so I could read it with intention rather than on a break at work.
You're right, there's so much to be bitter about. But what would that do for us? Exactly nothing.
It's funny, I had to go through the worst thing anyone could go through to realize the level of gratitude I have now. I rarely noticed and appreciated raw beauty in the world until I was forced into this life of forever-grief. And now? I see beauty literally EVERYWHERE. I even say, "I see you" out loud at random times when something beautiful presents itself.
Julia, I'm not sure if you were around on Medium right after my son died. In the very first piece I published I had explained where I was when I got "the call." I was at a cabin in the woods, staring the Rockies in their face when I received my news and I swear to all that is holy...had I not been surrounded by beauty and nature that morning, I don't think I would have survived that day. So, to say I have incredible gratitude for nature and beauty is an understatement.
Thank you for this. I retired early at 60, lost 65 pounds, got in shape, then fell off the retirement cliff into anxiety and depression. I have been mourning my time in Germany for the last six months or so, regretting my decision to come back to the US in 2011. I always thought my job would take me back there when I wanted, and now that day is gone. This was perfect reading for me. It's getting better - I've avoided antidepressants, decided to make the long journey through the darkness to the other side without chemical help. It's taken me longer, but I've learned a lot. My husband and I are comfortable and content - I say this to explain why I have not signed up as a paid subscriber. If I was still making my old paycheck, I would. At least I've gotten to the point where I'm sort of enjoying the simpler life. Merry Christmas!
We do what we can, and a someone rebooting a company after a wipeout last year, I so get it. I'd be paying a lot of folks right now but that has to wait a bit.
Truth is that if you did go back to Germany, even in the time since, it would have fundamentally changed for one simple reason: You have changed. We really can't go back. That's the gift, so that we keep facing forward and asking what's next?
I had that epiphany this week and am better for it. As the saying goes, you can't go home again. So instead of feelings of sehnsucht - such a great word! - I'm focusing on appreciating that I had that opportunity and letting go of wanting to possess it again. Part of the reason that Germany was so great were the people I worked and partied with - pretty sure I can't rope ALL of them in heading back for another go! Good times, good times. I'm so lucky. And once I start selling some art - I'm painting now and loving it - maybe I'll circle back and sign up for the good stuff behind the paywall. ;)
I am rebooting in much the same way. The career I started at sixty, which was adventure travel, was ten years of amazing. Now, almost recovered from all the reconstructive surgeries, I am back looking at what's next. I can't wait-more of same but softer, and a very different work opportunity. We simply need to give ourselves permission to evolve forward instead of stumbling backwards.
I love this post, thank you Julia! The reason why I love it is because it feels in my face and real. You're not serving up platitudes and IG meme gratitude but real-life hardship and beauty. It feels hard won because I'm sure it is (I am brand new to your internet neighborhood so I'm only guessing...!). We have another day until we don't. Many reminders are needed of this, at least for me.
Many thanks , Donna. All of us pay some kind of forfeit for life, be it lost parents, lost innocence, who knows. However not many of us find our way to being grateful for the specific circumstances which have carved us into who we are, and who we can be if we stop being so damned bitter about what we're owed. That's such a hard-won lesson. We are given a life. What we do with it is another story!
Thanks. I am regularly plunged into the same stews and have to ask many of the same hard questions. There is nothing I write which is advice. But everything I write is drawn from my own journey, clumsy as it may well be.
Man on man I was one of those people that blamed how my life turned out on my parents. Thankfully I did stop that nonsense many years ago. Learning to stop blaming has helped me tremendously as I am now navigating the worse time of my life. Still I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. Leaning into the change and creating stability, I believe, will allow me to remain grateful and not sink into bitterness and resentment that would carry me for the next 20 years. Thanks again for such a beautifully written and thoughtful piece.
My wife and I host Thanksgiving for our 3 sons, their wives, and children. As the appointed patriarch I am usually asked to say something before we begin the consumption of a repast that took nearly 2 weeks to prepare. This year I wanted to voice my gratitude for being surrounded by my loved ones. As I began I realized the immensity of gratitude for being in that place and time, when so many in Israel were in agony, not knowing where many of their family members were. It was difficult to get the words past the lump in my throat. There are many things I've wanted to see and achieve that will never be. Accepting and enjoying the life I have now removes all fear from my upcoming expiration that gets nearer each day.
I would have such an easy time getting lost in hurt, anger, resentment, and regret if I wanted to, but what good would it do? It wouldn't change anything, and it would just take away from the ability to embrace and create special moments going forward. I don't think anyone gets through life without some of these things, but like so much, it's less about the thing and more about learning from it and applying that learning going forward.
Also, Not really the point of your post, I know, but thanks for the reminder that it's been way too damn long since I've watched 'Field of Dreams'.
Agree 100%. It's actually one of a handful of movies I love enough to own a copy of. Many movies age poorly, but it's one I've only come to love more over the years.
This, and the fabulous tone poem about fathers by Robert Redford in A River Runs Through It are fabulous because they are the rare American movie about fathers. Too many are raging brutes. There are plenty of better examples, and those two movies do a nice job of exploring them. I rewatched a few movies lately which had indeed aged badly, but it's curious to watch the ones which stay evergreen. If we want to see a horrible movie about fatherhood, but one hell of an acting job, The Lion in Winter with Peter O'Toole. Breathtaking, some of the best dialogue in any movie ever.
This email has been in my inbox for days, I'm just now finding the time to read it. I'm so glad I waited so I could read it with intention rather than on a break at work.
You're right, there's so much to be bitter about. But what would that do for us? Exactly nothing.
It's funny, I had to go through the worst thing anyone could go through to realize the level of gratitude I have now. I rarely noticed and appreciated raw beauty in the world until I was forced into this life of forever-grief. And now? I see beauty literally EVERYWHERE. I even say, "I see you" out loud at random times when something beautiful presents itself.
Julia, I'm not sure if you were around on Medium right after my son died. In the very first piece I published I had explained where I was when I got "the call." I was at a cabin in the woods, staring the Rockies in their face when I received my news and I swear to all that is holy...had I not been surrounded by beauty and nature that morning, I don't think I would have survived that day. So, to say I have incredible gratitude for nature and beauty is an understatement.
There are no words for that Kristi. Thank you.
💔❤
Thank you for this. I retired early at 60, lost 65 pounds, got in shape, then fell off the retirement cliff into anxiety and depression. I have been mourning my time in Germany for the last six months or so, regretting my decision to come back to the US in 2011. I always thought my job would take me back there when I wanted, and now that day is gone. This was perfect reading for me. It's getting better - I've avoided antidepressants, decided to make the long journey through the darkness to the other side without chemical help. It's taken me longer, but I've learned a lot. My husband and I are comfortable and content - I say this to explain why I have not signed up as a paid subscriber. If I was still making my old paycheck, I would. At least I've gotten to the point where I'm sort of enjoying the simpler life. Merry Christmas!
We do what we can, and a someone rebooting a company after a wipeout last year, I so get it. I'd be paying a lot of folks right now but that has to wait a bit.
Truth is that if you did go back to Germany, even in the time since, it would have fundamentally changed for one simple reason: You have changed. We really can't go back. That's the gift, so that we keep facing forward and asking what's next?
Thanks for the kind comment and welcome aboard!
I had that epiphany this week and am better for it. As the saying goes, you can't go home again. So instead of feelings of sehnsucht - such a great word! - I'm focusing on appreciating that I had that opportunity and letting go of wanting to possess it again. Part of the reason that Germany was so great were the people I worked and partied with - pretty sure I can't rope ALL of them in heading back for another go! Good times, good times. I'm so lucky. And once I start selling some art - I'm painting now and loving it - maybe I'll circle back and sign up for the good stuff behind the paywall. ;)
I am rebooting in much the same way. The career I started at sixty, which was adventure travel, was ten years of amazing. Now, almost recovered from all the reconstructive surgeries, I am back looking at what's next. I can't wait-more of same but softer, and a very different work opportunity. We simply need to give ourselves permission to evolve forward instead of stumbling backwards.
Ooh, that last sentence. Perfectly put.
Aww, thank you.
I love this post, thank you Julia! The reason why I love it is because it feels in my face and real. You're not serving up platitudes and IG meme gratitude but real-life hardship and beauty. It feels hard won because I'm sure it is (I am brand new to your internet neighborhood so I'm only guessing...!). We have another day until we don't. Many reminders are needed of this, at least for me.
Many thanks , Donna. All of us pay some kind of forfeit for life, be it lost parents, lost innocence, who knows. However not many of us find our way to being grateful for the specific circumstances which have carved us into who we are, and who we can be if we stop being so damned bitter about what we're owed. That's such a hard-won lesson. We are given a life. What we do with it is another story!
Such powerful message in your story. The last few paragraphs are particularly poetic.
That is extremely kind of you, Louisa. Thank you!
You're welcome, Julia. Your essays often give me food for thought and inspire me to challenge my thinking and perspective.
Thanks. I am regularly plunged into the same stews and have to ask many of the same hard questions. There is nothing I write which is advice. But everything I write is drawn from my own journey, clumsy as it may well be.
Man on man I was one of those people that blamed how my life turned out on my parents. Thankfully I did stop that nonsense many years ago. Learning to stop blaming has helped me tremendously as I am now navigating the worse time of my life. Still I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. Leaning into the change and creating stability, I believe, will allow me to remain grateful and not sink into bitterness and resentment that would carry me for the next 20 years. Thanks again for such a beautifully written and thoughtful piece.
Warm thanks, Shelly. These are of course aimed at me as well, as is all my writing. Never easy but always worthtwhile.
This reads like a prose poem, one that is wide and deep. And also the best Thanksgiving time meditation I've read this year. Kudos.
That's high praise Jan. Thank you.
My wife and I host Thanksgiving for our 3 sons, their wives, and children. As the appointed patriarch I am usually asked to say something before we begin the consumption of a repast that took nearly 2 weeks to prepare. This year I wanted to voice my gratitude for being surrounded by my loved ones. As I began I realized the immensity of gratitude for being in that place and time, when so many in Israel were in agony, not knowing where many of their family members were. It was difficult to get the words past the lump in my throat. There are many things I've wanted to see and achieve that will never be. Accepting and enjoying the life I have now removes all fear from my upcoming expiration that gets nearer each day.
I would have such an easy time getting lost in hurt, anger, resentment, and regret if I wanted to, but what good would it do? It wouldn't change anything, and it would just take away from the ability to embrace and create special moments going forward. I don't think anyone gets through life without some of these things, but like so much, it's less about the thing and more about learning from it and applying that learning going forward.
Also, Not really the point of your post, I know, but thanks for the reminder that it's been way too damn long since I've watched 'Field of Dreams'.
It's on Netflix right now. It's an achingly gorgeous piece of filmmaking. We need more of that vs. greenscreen Marvel havoc.
Well said, Steve.
Agree 100%. It's actually one of a handful of movies I love enough to own a copy of. Many movies age poorly, but it's one I've only come to love more over the years.
This, and the fabulous tone poem about fathers by Robert Redford in A River Runs Through It are fabulous because they are the rare American movie about fathers. Too many are raging brutes. There are plenty of better examples, and those two movies do a nice job of exploring them. I rewatched a few movies lately which had indeed aged badly, but it's curious to watch the ones which stay evergreen. If we want to see a horrible movie about fatherhood, but one hell of an acting job, The Lion in Winter with Peter O'Toole. Breathtaking, some of the best dialogue in any movie ever.