This is right on time. I'm about to turn 45, and am definitely too old to be silenced any longer, and yet I am still surrounded by abusers. This article helps me feel like maybe I could start writing about what has happened. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Julia, this is a powerful, poignant piece that resonates with me and I'm sure a gazillion other people. I've come from an abusive family, but I've worked diligently to protect the guilty. Pretty twisted, really.
Thank you for writing this. I am finally working through the shame of accepting either being emotionally manipulated or controlled by my older sisters and then being emotionally abandoned by them when I don’t tow the line or they don’t need me any more. I will no longer be complicit in this type of abuse. My soul will no longer allow it.
Thank you for the mention, Julia - This article gives a personal voice to what I have been describing professionally for years in regard to the research-based term I coined, 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA). Many of my Substack subscribers will relate to your sharings here. I will be including your article here in my Substack's 'Sunday Digest' this weekend and will be encouraging them to take the time to read it. BTW, I was labeled "emotionally unstable" (among other things) in my family-of-origin for reasons that are quite clear to me now as an adult survivor and clinician specializing in dysfunctional families and psycho-emotional / systemic abuse (including being the family 'Empath' and 'truth-teller), which I will be sharing more about in future articles here on my Substack.
Thank you sooooooo very much for linking this article in your Sunday digest! I needed to read this! And I appreciate so so so very much all that you write and the videos you have made! Thank you so much Rebecca!
What a brave, piercing, and worthy piece to unveil just as you prepare to head out on your next adventure. Once again I'm over-the-brim full of admiration and appreciation for your honesty and generosity, Julia.
A beautiful, horrifyingly true article. I too am now 71.
My memory of being abused came back to me at 41. It took years of therapy and hard work to rebuild who I truly was. It was a period of years where I pieced back together those scattered memories, and as I did, each one felt like it was happening now. There were times I wanted to scratch my skin off but could only vomit as I experienced the memory and the sensations all woven together in my awareness for the first time. Some people tried to claim I was being brainwashed. Yet I finally felt awake for the first time in my life.
The mind is an amazing organ and it’s ability to scatter pieces of memories within our consciousness until we are able (have the support system and safety) to reclaim them is astonishing.
I became a therapist. I specialized in PTSD and people with high suicidal ideation. It has been my work over the last 30+ years that has sustained me the most. Helping people heal has been my honor. Dissociation can still occur (watching an intense movie such as the first season on True Detective, tho it is now very rare. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_Detective_season_1).) I am sane, solid and nothing broke my spirit.
The most excellent truth about what has been happening in the last 30 years is that abuse is being reported, and stopped. Women and children are no longer considered chattel of men. The church no longer gets away with keeping it all behind closed doors. I hope that one day the healthy men and women of this world make it such a heinous crime that it no longer exists.
My god the prices we pay to become Goddesses, Teyani. The price our bodies pay. Our minds, our hearts. Sometimes I just can't embrace all of it. Add the additional layers of race, it's incomprehensible.
This article resonates with me and my family struggles. I am in the midst of the difficult job of going no contact with my family. I’ve dealt with so much scapegoating and resentment because I had the ‘audacity’ to earn my graduate degree and have a career after I left the military. I was robbed of everything I owned and cheated out of relationships with my children. It’s true, you have to decide what’s important to you and make sure what you are doing is the best thing for you.
You might appreciate the work by @Rebecca Mandeville, who writes on Substack about Family Scapegoating Abuse. As a fellow vet, I get it. I am so sorry for your experiences. I did make a change to the article about my friend; I do want to respond to your challenge. Her race had a significant impact on things like her access to the Ivy League college and some of the family dynamics she dealt with. My mention of her race wasn't well-meaning; what I learned from her was how being Black profoundly affected every aspect of her life, access to mental health and so much more, all of which you likely know first-hand all too well. It was relevant to her, therefore it was relevant to me. The article wasn't exclusively about her but because it mentioned her experience, I thought it relevant. such things are inevitably going to be clumsy and no matter what we try to do, efforts to be respectful are not going to land well. For my part, removing the part about her race actually changes the story significantly, but I see your point. Thanks for the response and also for calling that out.
I did subscribe to @RebeccaMandeville. I am learning a lot and glad for the resources. You’re right, I do have first-hand experiences as far as being a ‘Black’ woman. I wanted to point that out but not come across as an attack—I didn’t read your article in a way where you had any ill intentions. I appreciate you wanting to discuss it at all, doing so is huge and relevant. I thank you for all of you comments.
You might find the writing of Dr. Rosenna Bakari of real value. She is a luminous writer, incredibly honest and powerful. She's something else again. You are so welcome and I didn't in any way feel a negative- we live in bumpy times and I'm trying to be respectful, which will at times inevitably not land well. All taken in stride!
This article resonates with me deeply. I left home after graduating from college four years ago and haven't been back since. Apart from my younger sister (we lived together after her graduation), I have had no contact with other family members. It's difficult to explain why I made this decision. They didn't do anything extremely serious to me, but it was a culmination of numerous seemingly minor reasons that led me to make that choice. Keywords for those reasons were gender discrimination, patriarchy, and mild domestic violence. In terms of the outcome, I felt incredibly liberated after leaving my original family. Without freedom, I couldn't find happiness. During college, I dedicated a lot of time to work and save money, to the point where I almost completely missed out on the college experience and ultimately graduated with a GPA of 2.5. That was the price I paid. Instead of having an inheritance to pass on, I was at risk of being robbed of my savings, and I took away from my family all the documents and other things that would later be useful to me, as well as any feelings I had for the other members of my family. Most importantly, I am someone who tends to address issues at their core and prioritize my own perspectives and feelings over what others think or feel. Therefore, making that choice wasn't difficult for me.
Those are hard choices, Hajee. Choosing mental health over being part of a family, or half of a couple, is so very difficult. But the relationship with the self is paramount. Mine is still forming but at least it's underway.
I shudder to use this word but what a "beautiful" story of your re-birth. Thank you for letting other people fill the gaping holes that "family" created. You have shown that with most holes that have been filled, there's a tiny crown of earth to show that healing has taken place and it will take time to settle.
Such vital messaging, Julia. So many key points in your remarks rang true with my own life. From a hugely disfunctional family, I was groomed by an older male neighbor, then abused on numerous occasions. Did I blame myself? After graduating high school I began college at a respected university, and launched my 30-year drinking career. The last 10 of those years I’d awaken cursing god for not letting me die in my sleep. Finally a dear friend “broke her anonymity,” a step I recommend as you never know who’s listening, and mentioned that she would be celebrating her AA birthday shortly. Jaw drop. Not long after, completely sick and tired of being sick and tired, I called my friend for help going forward. How do you do AA was the central question. She exhibited extraordinary patience. I finished the call having decided to attend my first meeting. I’m not marketing for AA, that was a path I chose to break my bonds from alcohol. Now, 26 years later, I’ve not used alcohol or drugs once to try to cope. The wreckage of my past? Lots. We can’t turn back the clock. We can find a new life and live it.
So powerful Gary. Thanks a lot for sharing. I dealt with suicidal ideation plenty of times, many times I didn't really want to continue because of the years of eating disorders. It's no joke. So pleased for you that you were able to make this decision.
Speaking your truth is just the beginning of the internal work that needs to be done alongside. It doesn’t automatically result in healing. Also it depends on how fragile the person is from the abuse and what they are capable of handling from the fallout of speaking against the family.
I respect your decision just saying one version doesn’t fit all.
I appreciate your comment and feel this is a very important point, a message I wish I could go back and give my younger self. I have been living with sucidal ideation since at least 8 yrs young, and I think maybe younger. I first ran away from home when I was 6 yrs old and didn't stay gone long of course, and got successful at leaving home at 15, with the help of my 20 yr old bf, who then got me drunk for 3 days and then raped me. My incredibly beautiful talented daughter died by suicide 22 moons ago, in large part because of the abuse from my family and her dad and our neighbors. I didn't realize how much she would pay the price for me speaking my truth. I wish sooooooo badly I could go back and do it differently, and to have gotten more education and access to safe therapists and people to talk to instead of calling out the abusers and speaking my truth to the wrong people, to enablers, and others unconsciously stuck in the morphogenic dynamic of scapegoating me and other truth tellers. My 23 yr old daughter was very strong and talented, and yet also fragile from the abuse and struggling more than she would reveal in handling the fallout from me speaking against family and other abusers.
I really appreciate you bringing this up, and it giving me the opportunity to write a bit more about our extremely painful experiences and the fallout of truth speaking, without enough safety and support. This really inspires me to write more about our experiences, and make videos, as I have been feeling a strong calling from inside to share our stories, and yet I'm also terrified to do so. So thank you for helping me take another vital step in my healing journey!
If anyone would be willing to help me, I would very very much greatly appreciate it, and will send my daughters art, or anything else you'd like. I have a dream of co-creating a Sanctuary of Sanity for Survivors and Sust'āinability, and need help surviving to be able to even write more about how it functions https://www.gofundme.com/f/safety-sanctuary-of-sanity
Jean, there is nothing in my article which promises anything but a start of a new journey. In fact I emphasize that it's hard work. I've done my best to make that point. I understand completely that fragility which is why I suggested therapy. I didn't state, nor did I imply, that simply speaking our truth results in healing. It begins, but doesn't guarantee it. The only thing that results in healing is walking that path. Reading someone else's story that validates our own experience is just the spark, and it obviously doesn't work for everyone. Didn't say that, either.
I understand your point and I stand by my story as written. Out of respect I went back and read over my piece several times to make sure that there wasn't an implied "just do this" and you're healed. There isn't. In fact over and over again I point out the work involved.
There is nothing in this article that states or implies one size fits all. The story speaks to the power of speaking your truth, and the potential impact that may have on others. I recognize that we all read through filters and our own experiences.
Wow, what as piece as I gobbled a biscuit and drank my tea. I agree so much with everything you’re saying. Silence is like a rot for the one holding it inside.
I’ve had a bubbling truth I’m feeling ready to voice of a family member sexually assaulting me, this feels weirdly in line and timely with what I’ve been working on in therapy.
Sometimes we fear those consequences so much it allows that rot to take hold and we twist and fold trying to prevent the thing happening, but the consequence itself would be much better for our health and not half as bad as the difficulty of silence.
Sheila, I didn't realize how much holding it all in had cost me. When we fear reprisal and rejection more than the fear of losing our lives, what a coast. It's no kidding. Thanks.
I think there is a lack of consciousness to the decision, that it’s done to protect ourselves. But losing oneself is such a big cost, we are the person we have to live with 24 hours a day 7 days a week, there is no choice in that! Thank you for this, a good read to ponder upon.
This is right on time. I'm about to turn 45, and am definitely too old to be silenced any longer, and yet I am still surrounded by abusers. This article helps me feel like maybe I could start writing about what has happened. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Julia, this is a powerful, poignant piece that resonates with me and I'm sure a gazillion other people. I've come from an abusive family, but I've worked diligently to protect the guilty. Pretty twisted, really.
Thank you for writing this. I am finally working through the shame of accepting either being emotionally manipulated or controlled by my older sisters and then being emotionally abandoned by them when I don’t tow the line or they don’t need me any more. I will no longer be complicit in this type of abuse. My soul will no longer allow it.
Thank you Jennifer. It's one hell of a journey but we are worth it
Thank you Julia!
Thank you so much for writing this piece. I have a lot of family stuff to unpack, and reading your essay has helped a good deal.
That is so kind of you. It’s a reminder that we really do have to talk openly about these things, Bea.
70 and did the same. Brava. Read me. An essay on scapegoating on the way.
I love writings about scapegoating, so thank you! I will go check out your page
Wonderful! I will be publishing the essay soon and it’s 🔥 Stay tuned!
Thank you for this important essay Julia.
Thanks Donna. I am constantly learning, often not well, but it's all about the intention and the effort which is heartfelt.
Thank you for the mention, Julia - This article gives a personal voice to what I have been describing professionally for years in regard to the research-based term I coined, 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA). Many of my Substack subscribers will relate to your sharings here. I will be including your article here in my Substack's 'Sunday Digest' this weekend and will be encouraging them to take the time to read it. BTW, I was labeled "emotionally unstable" (among other things) in my family-of-origin for reasons that are quite clear to me now as an adult survivor and clinician specializing in dysfunctional families and psycho-emotional / systemic abuse (including being the family 'Empath' and 'truth-teller), which I will be sharing more about in future articles here on my Substack.
Thank you sooooooo very much for linking this article in your Sunday digest! I needed to read this! And I appreciate so so so very much all that you write and the videos you have made! Thank you so much Rebecca!
Hi Brooke, glad you made time to read Julia's article and many thanks for your kind note!
You are so welcome. More importantly thank you for your work. I keep seeing more and more people who are following you and clearly getting value.
What a brave, piercing, and worthy piece to unveil just as you prepare to head out on your next adventure. Once again I'm over-the-brim full of admiration and appreciation for your honesty and generosity, Julia.
A beautiful, horrifyingly true article. I too am now 71.
My memory of being abused came back to me at 41. It took years of therapy and hard work to rebuild who I truly was. It was a period of years where I pieced back together those scattered memories, and as I did, each one felt like it was happening now. There were times I wanted to scratch my skin off but could only vomit as I experienced the memory and the sensations all woven together in my awareness for the first time. Some people tried to claim I was being brainwashed. Yet I finally felt awake for the first time in my life.
The mind is an amazing organ and it’s ability to scatter pieces of memories within our consciousness until we are able (have the support system and safety) to reclaim them is astonishing.
I became a therapist. I specialized in PTSD and people with high suicidal ideation. It has been my work over the last 30+ years that has sustained me the most. Helping people heal has been my honor. Dissociation can still occur (watching an intense movie such as the first season on True Detective, tho it is now very rare. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_Detective_season_1).) I am sane, solid and nothing broke my spirit.
The most excellent truth about what has been happening in the last 30 years is that abuse is being reported, and stopped. Women and children are no longer considered chattel of men. The church no longer gets away with keeping it all behind closed doors. I hope that one day the healthy men and women of this world make it such a heinous crime that it no longer exists.
My god the prices we pay to become Goddesses, Teyani. The price our bodies pay. Our minds, our hearts. Sometimes I just can't embrace all of it. Add the additional layers of race, it's incomprehensible.
Just...thank you Julia, for another empowering substack. Riveting.
Many thanks Caroline. Sometimes these are hard to write but they really do make a difference.
This article resonates with me and my family struggles. I am in the midst of the difficult job of going no contact with my family. I’ve dealt with so much scapegoating and resentment because I had the ‘audacity’ to earn my graduate degree and have a career after I left the military. I was robbed of everything I owned and cheated out of relationships with my children. It’s true, you have to decide what’s important to you and make sure what you are doing is the best thing for you.
You might appreciate the work by @Rebecca Mandeville, who writes on Substack about Family Scapegoating Abuse. As a fellow vet, I get it. I am so sorry for your experiences. I did make a change to the article about my friend; I do want to respond to your challenge. Her race had a significant impact on things like her access to the Ivy League college and some of the family dynamics she dealt with. My mention of her race wasn't well-meaning; what I learned from her was how being Black profoundly affected every aspect of her life, access to mental health and so much more, all of which you likely know first-hand all too well. It was relevant to her, therefore it was relevant to me. The article wasn't exclusively about her but because it mentioned her experience, I thought it relevant. such things are inevitably going to be clumsy and no matter what we try to do, efforts to be respectful are not going to land well. For my part, removing the part about her race actually changes the story significantly, but I see your point. Thanks for the response and also for calling that out.
I did subscribe to @RebeccaMandeville. I am learning a lot and glad for the resources. You’re right, I do have first-hand experiences as far as being a ‘Black’ woman. I wanted to point that out but not come across as an attack—I didn’t read your article in a way where you had any ill intentions. I appreciate you wanting to discuss it at all, doing so is huge and relevant. I thank you for all of you comments.
You might find the writing of Dr. Rosenna Bakari of real value. She is a luminous writer, incredibly honest and powerful. She's something else again. You are so welcome and I didn't in any way feel a negative- we live in bumpy times and I'm trying to be respectful, which will at times inevitably not land well. All taken in stride!
This article resonates with me deeply. I left home after graduating from college four years ago and haven't been back since. Apart from my younger sister (we lived together after her graduation), I have had no contact with other family members. It's difficult to explain why I made this decision. They didn't do anything extremely serious to me, but it was a culmination of numerous seemingly minor reasons that led me to make that choice. Keywords for those reasons were gender discrimination, patriarchy, and mild domestic violence. In terms of the outcome, I felt incredibly liberated after leaving my original family. Without freedom, I couldn't find happiness. During college, I dedicated a lot of time to work and save money, to the point where I almost completely missed out on the college experience and ultimately graduated with a GPA of 2.5. That was the price I paid. Instead of having an inheritance to pass on, I was at risk of being robbed of my savings, and I took away from my family all the documents and other things that would later be useful to me, as well as any feelings I had for the other members of my family. Most importantly, I am someone who tends to address issues at their core and prioritize my own perspectives and feelings over what others think or feel. Therefore, making that choice wasn't difficult for me.
Those are hard choices, Hajee. Choosing mental health over being part of a family, or half of a couple, is so very difficult. But the relationship with the self is paramount. Mine is still forming but at least it's underway.
I shudder to use this word but what a "beautiful" story of your re-birth. Thank you for letting other people fill the gaping holes that "family" created. You have shown that with most holes that have been filled, there's a tiny crown of earth to show that healing has taken place and it will take time to settle.
Thanks so much, Larry. I am most assuredly not "there," wherever that is, but at least am living a different life as a result. I'll take that any day.
Such vital messaging, Julia. So many key points in your remarks rang true with my own life. From a hugely disfunctional family, I was groomed by an older male neighbor, then abused on numerous occasions. Did I blame myself? After graduating high school I began college at a respected university, and launched my 30-year drinking career. The last 10 of those years I’d awaken cursing god for not letting me die in my sleep. Finally a dear friend “broke her anonymity,” a step I recommend as you never know who’s listening, and mentioned that she would be celebrating her AA birthday shortly. Jaw drop. Not long after, completely sick and tired of being sick and tired, I called my friend for help going forward. How do you do AA was the central question. She exhibited extraordinary patience. I finished the call having decided to attend my first meeting. I’m not marketing for AA, that was a path I chose to break my bonds from alcohol. Now, 26 years later, I’ve not used alcohol or drugs once to try to cope. The wreckage of my past? Lots. We can’t turn back the clock. We can find a new life and live it.
So powerful Gary. Thanks a lot for sharing. I dealt with suicidal ideation plenty of times, many times I didn't really want to continue because of the years of eating disorders. It's no joke. So pleased for you that you were able to make this decision.
Speaking your truth is just the beginning of the internal work that needs to be done alongside. It doesn’t automatically result in healing. Also it depends on how fragile the person is from the abuse and what they are capable of handling from the fallout of speaking against the family.
I respect your decision just saying one version doesn’t fit all.
I appreciate your comment and feel this is a very important point, a message I wish I could go back and give my younger self. I have been living with sucidal ideation since at least 8 yrs young, and I think maybe younger. I first ran away from home when I was 6 yrs old and didn't stay gone long of course, and got successful at leaving home at 15, with the help of my 20 yr old bf, who then got me drunk for 3 days and then raped me. My incredibly beautiful talented daughter died by suicide 22 moons ago, in large part because of the abuse from my family and her dad and our neighbors. I didn't realize how much she would pay the price for me speaking my truth. I wish sooooooo badly I could go back and do it differently, and to have gotten more education and access to safe therapists and people to talk to instead of calling out the abusers and speaking my truth to the wrong people, to enablers, and others unconsciously stuck in the morphogenic dynamic of scapegoating me and other truth tellers. My 23 yr old daughter was very strong and talented, and yet also fragile from the abuse and struggling more than she would reveal in handling the fallout from me speaking against family and other abusers.
I really appreciate you bringing this up, and it giving me the opportunity to write a bit more about our extremely painful experiences and the fallout of truth speaking, without enough safety and support. This really inspires me to write more about our experiences, and make videos, as I have been feeling a strong calling from inside to share our stories, and yet I'm also terrified to do so. So thank you for helping me take another vital step in my healing journey!
If anyone would be willing to help me, I would very very much greatly appreciate it, and will send my daughters art, or anything else you'd like. I have a dream of co-creating a Sanctuary of Sanity for Survivors and Sust'āinability, and need help surviving to be able to even write more about how it functions https://www.gofundme.com/f/safety-sanctuary-of-sanity
Jean, there is nothing in my article which promises anything but a start of a new journey. In fact I emphasize that it's hard work. I've done my best to make that point. I understand completely that fragility which is why I suggested therapy. I didn't state, nor did I imply, that simply speaking our truth results in healing. It begins, but doesn't guarantee it. The only thing that results in healing is walking that path. Reading someone else's story that validates our own experience is just the spark, and it obviously doesn't work for everyone. Didn't say that, either.
I understand your point and I stand by my story as written. Out of respect I went back and read over my piece several times to make sure that there wasn't an implied "just do this" and you're healed. There isn't. In fact over and over again I point out the work involved.
There is nothing in this article that states or implies one size fits all. The story speaks to the power of speaking your truth, and the potential impact that may have on others. I recognize that we all read through filters and our own experiences.
Thanks for your response and your input.
Wow, what as piece as I gobbled a biscuit and drank my tea. I agree so much with everything you’re saying. Silence is like a rot for the one holding it inside.
I’ve had a bubbling truth I’m feeling ready to voice of a family member sexually assaulting me, this feels weirdly in line and timely with what I’ve been working on in therapy.
Sometimes we fear those consequences so much it allows that rot to take hold and we twist and fold trying to prevent the thing happening, but the consequence itself would be much better for our health and not half as bad as the difficulty of silence.
Sheila, I didn't realize how much holding it all in had cost me. When we fear reprisal and rejection more than the fear of losing our lives, what a coast. It's no kidding. Thanks.
I think there is a lack of consciousness to the decision, that it’s done to protect ourselves. But losing oneself is such a big cost, we are the person we have to live with 24 hours a day 7 days a week, there is no choice in that! Thank you for this, a good read to ponder upon.
Thanks so much. We hold so much in, at terrible cost, and we’re supposed to smile and act like all is well.
It’s like hurting twice, first from the event and second time from holding it in 💚