Thank you for this article - especially your thoughts on having children (or not having them as the case may be). I had the ability to have children taken away at 24 when I needed an emergency hysterectomy - and I truly believe it changed the trajectory of my life.
I’ve also aged prematurely in some ways due to the nature of my chronic illnesses - with parts of my body breaking down much faster than they should. I have the function of someone twice my age (if that) and likely won’t make it to “old age” so I’m grateful for every day I have.
Strangely - one of my conditions can cause you to look young - despite prematurely destroying your insides. So my outside doesn’t match my inside. When you said “the body tells the story of our lives” I thought “where do I fit in with that?” Sometimes I still deal with the male gaze because they think I’m twenty years younger than I am… and yet I feel twenty years older.
It can be very jarring dealing with all these emotions, societal expectations and more - especially in the age of social media. I so appreciate what you’ve written as it’s given me some food for thought!
The human condition is so variable, Ginger, and all we can do is negotiate terms with what we're given. I'm not sure if there's another options. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with- that's so rough. Thanks for your kind words and I so wish you the best. Difficult journey but I have faith in you. I find that humor is my last defense against things I simply cannot control, and that allows me at least to laugh at the absurdity of so much of life.
'The body tells the story of our lives, doesn’t it?'
It does indeed, and you've made me think about how botox, surgery, the striving to remain young, is as you say, literally erasing the lives of older women. A light bulb moment, thank you!
I want to say how happy I am there are ever growing communities of women gathering. Yay! But am I the only one who doesn't want to spend more time on what I don't like or want from the world around me or the body I inhabit for now?
I can't imagine feeling more powerful as I age in my wisdom, inner strength, and understanding of the long view of life vs my own tiny experience.
I love who we are as women aging. I love all that we could be contributing.
And I would love to understand how to shift our collective focus from the world around us into the heart within us. The little girls following in our footsteps are crying out for the best of the feminine to be expressed. Let's focus on that.
I just spent time on the Lower Salmon River with grandparents and grandkids. One thirteen year old girl was great fun. On our way back on a jetboat, I got to teach her a bit about aerodynamics by standing in the door and learning how to move her hands and body in the wind. The two boys couldn’t be bothered (after all, I’m an ol’ lady). Guess who is likely to ask her mom to use a skydiving tunnel? She has one close to where she lives. Guess who is likely to grow up with better stories? We need to be the example, Jill.
Oh, I think I want to frame this! And also Jody Day's piece, which I read the other day and wanted to comment on, and never did yesterday because I had to make myself look presentable (LOL!) to go to a wedding! I'm 62, and I do still wear a little makeup, because I like to see my eyes with a little mascara and my cheeks a little blustered. But when I see so many of these beautiful young girls doing goodness knows what to their faces and bodies when they all look amazing it makes me sad. But then I never thought I was particularly pretty when I was young, and now when I see my photos I wish I'd known...but then it doesn't matter, really, because I'm having far more fun now, feel far more confident with my cellulite and saggy bits than I did when everything was high and toned. I do wish I still had the same abilities to do things that I loved so much, but that doing them while being hypermobile eventually meant I had to stop. But I love doing other things, and am so lucky that I have the possibility to do them. Rambling a bit here, but yes to Judy Dench! Who looks a lot like my mama! xx
It's such an honour when a sister-substacker takes one of my pieces and uses it to inspire their own, bloody brilliant piece! So many gems here Julia, and absolutely, nobody's referring to Judy Dench, only ever to Helen Mirren...
Jody I loved your piece yesterday and meant to comment, now this amazing essay and I must chime in! I never wanted children and have no regrets there, but can relate to all the rest. I’m 67 and the years since my hormones quit crying for male attention have been PURE BLISS!! Thank you both for beautiful writing about this aging thing. ❤️❤️❤️
There are so many aspects of this essay that I resonate with. I laughed when you write about your mom telling you not to frown. My mom told me exactly the same! I remember telling her recently how my wrinkles and gray hair is hard earned and they convey wisdom. I always have trouble getting people to take me seriously because I look younger than my actual age. So I guard signs of aging vehemently!
You know, after my traumatic betrayal experience, and having communicated with a big group of betrayed women, I've come to realize how futile it is to chase after the male gaze. If a man cheats repeatedly, there's nothing one can do to ameliorate one's appearance that would get him to stop chasing other younger women. The problem is never us not being young or pretty enough. It's an issue of male entitlement, period. I feel so liberated now that I'm no longer concerned about the male gaze and pleasing men. When you live for yourself, aging no longer presents a problem in the context of how we look in others' eyes.
That’s an immensely hard-earned lesson, Louisa. We can never be enough when men feel they are entitled to any and all women they want. That sets us off into a never-ending cycle of trying to please. WE are the prize. Period.
Absolutely! Until we realize we are the prize and we don't have to bend ourselves into a pretzel or change our body to please men, we'd be trapped in the hampster wheel or fish bowl of male gaze.
Goddess days is such truth. Great article which women, of all ages, should read and think about. ♥️. Just remember, age is something we can’t do anything about. We CAN live it to the fullest though!
So many 'yes' moments in this - thanks for sharing. And I will rename these my 'godess years' from now on
I truly believe they are the goddess years!
Thank you for the reinforcement of the feelings I have been accumulating as I age - that I become a little more comfortable with myself every day.
Thank you for this article - especially your thoughts on having children (or not having them as the case may be). I had the ability to have children taken away at 24 when I needed an emergency hysterectomy - and I truly believe it changed the trajectory of my life.
I’ve also aged prematurely in some ways due to the nature of my chronic illnesses - with parts of my body breaking down much faster than they should. I have the function of someone twice my age (if that) and likely won’t make it to “old age” so I’m grateful for every day I have.
Strangely - one of my conditions can cause you to look young - despite prematurely destroying your insides. So my outside doesn’t match my inside. When you said “the body tells the story of our lives” I thought “where do I fit in with that?” Sometimes I still deal with the male gaze because they think I’m twenty years younger than I am… and yet I feel twenty years older.
It can be very jarring dealing with all these emotions, societal expectations and more - especially in the age of social media. I so appreciate what you’ve written as it’s given me some food for thought!
The human condition is so variable, Ginger, and all we can do is negotiate terms with what we're given. I'm not sure if there's another options. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with- that's so rough. Thanks for your kind words and I so wish you the best. Difficult journey but I have faith in you. I find that humor is my last defense against things I simply cannot control, and that allows me at least to laugh at the absurdity of so much of life.
'The body tells the story of our lives, doesn’t it?'
It does indeed, and you've made me think about how botox, surgery, the striving to remain young, is as you say, literally erasing the lives of older women. A light bulb moment, thank you!
I want to say how happy I am there are ever growing communities of women gathering. Yay! But am I the only one who doesn't want to spend more time on what I don't like or want from the world around me or the body I inhabit for now?
I can't imagine feeling more powerful as I age in my wisdom, inner strength, and understanding of the long view of life vs my own tiny experience.
I love who we are as women aging. I love all that we could be contributing.
And I would love to understand how to shift our collective focus from the world around us into the heart within us. The little girls following in our footsteps are crying out for the best of the feminine to be expressed. Let's focus on that.
I just spent time on the Lower Salmon River with grandparents and grandkids. One thirteen year old girl was great fun. On our way back on a jetboat, I got to teach her a bit about aerodynamics by standing in the door and learning how to move her hands and body in the wind. The two boys couldn’t be bothered (after all, I’m an ol’ lady). Guess who is likely to ask her mom to use a skydiving tunnel? She has one close to where she lives. Guess who is likely to grow up with better stories? We need to be the example, Jill.
Amen!!
Oh, I think I want to frame this! And also Jody Day's piece, which I read the other day and wanted to comment on, and never did yesterday because I had to make myself look presentable (LOL!) to go to a wedding! I'm 62, and I do still wear a little makeup, because I like to see my eyes with a little mascara and my cheeks a little blustered. But when I see so many of these beautiful young girls doing goodness knows what to their faces and bodies when they all look amazing it makes me sad. But then I never thought I was particularly pretty when I was young, and now when I see my photos I wish I'd known...but then it doesn't matter, really, because I'm having far more fun now, feel far more confident with my cellulite and saggy bits than I did when everything was high and toned. I do wish I still had the same abilities to do things that I loved so much, but that doing them while being hypermobile eventually meant I had to stop. But I love doing other things, and am so lucky that I have the possibility to do them. Rambling a bit here, but yes to Judy Dench! Who looks a lot like my mama! xx
Thanks so much, Francesca. I love all the truth here.
It's such an honour when a sister-substacker takes one of my pieces and uses it to inspire their own, bloody brilliant piece! So many gems here Julia, and absolutely, nobody's referring to Judy Dench, only ever to Helen Mirren...
Jody I loved your piece yesterday and meant to comment, now this amazing essay and I must chime in! I never wanted children and have no regrets there, but can relate to all the rest. I’m 67 and the years since my hormones quit crying for male attention have been PURE BLISS!! Thank you both for beautiful writing about this aging thing. ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Jody., We are all inspired by each other and when we lift each other we all rise.
And Dench DOES indeed get better and better! Did anyone see her recite Shakespeare off the cuff on Graham Norton? Absolutely masterful.
I love her. Anyone who can win an Oscar for just a few moments on screen (Shakespeare in Love) well....
There are so many aspects of this essay that I resonate with. I laughed when you write about your mom telling you not to frown. My mom told me exactly the same! I remember telling her recently how my wrinkles and gray hair is hard earned and they convey wisdom. I always have trouble getting people to take me seriously because I look younger than my actual age. So I guard signs of aging vehemently!
You know, after my traumatic betrayal experience, and having communicated with a big group of betrayed women, I've come to realize how futile it is to chase after the male gaze. If a man cheats repeatedly, there's nothing one can do to ameliorate one's appearance that would get him to stop chasing other younger women. The problem is never us not being young or pretty enough. It's an issue of male entitlement, period. I feel so liberated now that I'm no longer concerned about the male gaze and pleasing men. When you live for yourself, aging no longer presents a problem in the context of how we look in others' eyes.
That’s an immensely hard-earned lesson, Louisa. We can never be enough when men feel they are entitled to any and all women they want. That sets us off into a never-ending cycle of trying to please. WE are the prize. Period.
Absolutely! Until we realize we are the prize and we don't have to bend ourselves into a pretzel or change our body to please men, we'd be trapped in the hampster wheel or fish bowl of male gaze.
All too true. I’ve been there, and it’s thankless.
Gosh! It IS thankless!
P.S. I noticed a typo in my original comment ("betrayer" women). It should've been "betrayed" women. Big difference!!! Just corrected it ;-)
I saw that and wondered but I figured you'd clarify. Thanks!
This was the first time I made a typo with a one-letter difference that turned the meaning upside down! LOL!
Goddess days is such truth. Great article which women, of all ages, should read and think about. ♥️. Just remember, age is something we can’t do anything about. We CAN live it to the fullest though!
That’s so very true Bonnie, we can live to the fullest especially when we change what we care about. Thanks for the very kind words.
I’m 71. I get what you write!
I am too, Elizabeth. It's a fun age!