I've been sitting quiet for a month or so, trying to figure out how to claw my way out of whatever I injured in early November and kept using (runners are the worst at taking a day off, I'm told). So finally I took the days off, and saw another PT who gave me a strengthening routine for my L hip. But in the past few days the change in my gait, inevitable from a hip/hamstring injury, is triggering an old inflammation in the foot. FFS, if my foot flares and won't settle, I'm really screwed.
It's scaring the bejeebers out of me. My resting heart rate is up 5 beats in 6 weeks, argh. If this foot thing doesn't settle down, I could end up in a boot again - REALLY ARGH. And who the hell will I be if not the athlete who came back after 25 years of child-raising? The answer is in there, but it might involve finding a pool instead of a road for running. And I have to be OK with that because it will let me do the aerobic work even if it's in the water.
IT WILL BE OK. I don't have to go back to being a mushmelon. Mainly it's about my BRAIN not going back to being a mushmelon.
You know how I feel about this, Nancy. It's part and parcel of the journey, being able to be sidelined and have a sense of humor about it. Even more importantly to allow ourselves the grace to not be compulsive about returning to that identity, which we sometimes have to shelve. Gawd do I know it right now. I'm going to use this as inspiration, let me know if you're cool with a quote. Great gauntlet.
Of course I'm fine with a quote. For me this is a conversation, and any time something I've replied gives you a thought for a reply, I'm only too delighted.
Yesterday was a long-on-my-feet day, and I awoke today feeling BETTER than in the past few weeks - as if I wore away some of the fascial restraints or in some other way worked out the restraints. It's a new day and I MIGHT JOG A LITTLE. I will see what the body says. If it says no, then a walk is just fine.
Thank you for this, and your vulnerability. I just hit 53 this year, and am finding the battle to take off the extra pounds I picked up along the 3 years that were my mom dying, COVID, and the catching my breath year has been surprisingly hard. It’s easy to get self critical about that, my thinning hair, and the other signs of age that are gradually showing up, but it’s neither helpful or acknowledging of the inevitable challenge of aging. Doesn’t mean I won’t stop my work, but hopefully I can get better about approaching it with a realistic perspective. Thanks for helping me get closer to that.
Steve, I so appreciate this. What I've learned as I age is that the body is one hell of a resilient machine. I'll be writing more about muscle memory and the like. For example, before the hand surgeries and foot surgeries I could do 100 men's pushups every single day. Not a typo (I'm a veteran). Now, with some bones gone, I can't put my palms flat so have to use those handles. After a LOT of months, I started at ten. I am now back up to nearly fifty, using the handles, which is harder. I add two or three every few days and the body just says Yep.
I have complete and utter faith that we will regain what we had, but what Nature remade is up to HER. She gives our boobs to you men, and your facial hair to us. REALLY NOW.
The ONLY sane response is hilarity.
Our worst enemy is what's between our ears. When I wake up I look at a mouth with nuthin' but silver knobs where my dentures snap in. That is GREAT for Halloween, sucks the rest of the year. The only choice is to turn it into a running joke. Robin Williams was the perfect example of how to eviscerate the demons in the basement- laugh at them. With this we have permission to be human, hang up the damn cape and learn to cope...then thrive.
You can drop the weight. This year, at 70, I started in in June and just slowly removed all the sugar that had snuck back in, reinstated better habits, fell back in love with berries instead of bear claws. I had withdrawal for about two weeks and after that I forgot about the Snickers bars which live in the top cabinet for SERIOUS emergencies. The way I deal with that? I think....yes, and they will be there tomorrow. And the day after that. And I grab an apple.
You can do this. We all can. Your hair WILL thin. You may have to deal with a temporary dad bod. But underneath you have a six pack, as do we all. It's not about showing off our guts. It's having the guts to walk right into the flames of aging and give it the finger, and have a wild ride anyway.
Thanks for the encouragement, Julia. I lost 35 pounds a number of years back, so I do know how to do it, I just need to get a little more serious there.
The hair ... I suspect I'll shave it all off sometime this winter and see how it looks, since I suspect that's my destination, anyway.
We do know how, Steve. That said, I know all too well the feeling of WTF when we look in the mirror. We are constantly negotiating terms with our looks, which the single most ephemeral part of us, yet it is how we most strongly identify. That's why it's so hard. To your point I taught SMART goals for years, and realized that the first S needed to be SERIOUS. Until we are serious, nothing happens. We do it when we are ready. Let me know how it goes.
Julia, I'm going to be completely transparent here and tell you that I choked up reading this.
Why? Because although I haven't been through NEARLY as much as you have, healthwise, this knee fracture in June all but ruined my life...well, whatever there was left to ruin lol.
It was just the icing on top of the 3-year shit cake I've been eating.
Anyway, I put on 15 pounds due to immobility while healing. But the weight wasn't the worst part. My mental health plummeted due to job loss (injury related) and the inability to walk my normal 20K steps I usually do outside in nature. It's only been a 4 month journey for me...I don't know how you've managed to get through ALL of yours!!
Ohmigod Kristi. This is that classic rains it pours, right? We put on the weight like armour, like an additional punishment at times. Truth, boy it's there for a reason. It's the pillow we put on our own bodies that we ourselves need to cuddle into.
I so relate. Medium wiped me out financially, then it took me ages to realize that all those surgeries combined with the big late in life move to Oregon after fifty years in Colorado and a few other choice items all lead to grief, each with its own burden, often heaped on top of each other.
A pro took those 2017 photos. I used to look at them and just wonder if I could even ever get close to that again, but realized that it was never about the body. That's a symptom.
The wild that we want is the ability to keep right on going no matter what, Kristi. The loss of your son is a forever burden. There's a moment in Wind River when the characters are discussing the loss of both their daughters to rape and murder. The main character says that the only way forward is through, to hold the hurt, for if we push it all away, we lose everything we had with them: their first steps, their first smile, their last hugs, their last smiles. All we can do is embrace the pain.
What we endure makes us pure, Kristi (sounds like an article title, right). Really does. I won't go all happy dappy on you and say LOOK FOR THE GOOD. Fuck that. It's painful. Losing my identity as this badass adventure traveler, watching my belly expand, my savings disappear, all of it shrieked LOSER. I get it.
But losers win. The only way we win is to lose first. Because as writers, despair is the great teacher of compassion and empathy. Loss is what gives us the ability to dip a spoon into the deepest pools of feels of our readers.
Strongly recommended. It's sacred work. Holy work. It's the work of the visionary, to walk those roads which burn our feet and sear the soul. The only way is through, through the wild, and that is what gives you your wildhood.
I am off to hike stairs in the rain but not before I share this: I've spent a lot of years speaking professionally. I miss it. Time to get back to it. Thanks for poking the bear.
I've been sitting quiet for a month or so, trying to figure out how to claw my way out of whatever I injured in early November and kept using (runners are the worst at taking a day off, I'm told). So finally I took the days off, and saw another PT who gave me a strengthening routine for my L hip. But in the past few days the change in my gait, inevitable from a hip/hamstring injury, is triggering an old inflammation in the foot. FFS, if my foot flares and won't settle, I'm really screwed.
It's scaring the bejeebers out of me. My resting heart rate is up 5 beats in 6 weeks, argh. If this foot thing doesn't settle down, I could end up in a boot again - REALLY ARGH. And who the hell will I be if not the athlete who came back after 25 years of child-raising? The answer is in there, but it might involve finding a pool instead of a road for running. And I have to be OK with that because it will let me do the aerobic work even if it's in the water.
IT WILL BE OK. I don't have to go back to being a mushmelon. Mainly it's about my BRAIN not going back to being a mushmelon.
Thank you for the tracks in the snow...
You know how I feel about this, Nancy. It's part and parcel of the journey, being able to be sidelined and have a sense of humor about it. Even more importantly to allow ourselves the grace to not be compulsive about returning to that identity, which we sometimes have to shelve. Gawd do I know it right now. I'm going to use this as inspiration, let me know if you're cool with a quote. Great gauntlet.
Of course I'm fine with a quote. For me this is a conversation, and any time something I've replied gives you a thought for a reply, I'm only too delighted.
Yesterday was a long-on-my-feet day, and I awoke today feeling BETTER than in the past few weeks - as if I wore away some of the fascial restraints or in some other way worked out the restraints. It's a new day and I MIGHT JOG A LITTLE. I will see what the body says. If it says no, then a walk is just fine.
Thank you for this, and your vulnerability. I just hit 53 this year, and am finding the battle to take off the extra pounds I picked up along the 3 years that were my mom dying, COVID, and the catching my breath year has been surprisingly hard. It’s easy to get self critical about that, my thinning hair, and the other signs of age that are gradually showing up, but it’s neither helpful or acknowledging of the inevitable challenge of aging. Doesn’t mean I won’t stop my work, but hopefully I can get better about approaching it with a realistic perspective. Thanks for helping me get closer to that.
BTW I went to your website. What a great business you've got.
Steve, I so appreciate this. What I've learned as I age is that the body is one hell of a resilient machine. I'll be writing more about muscle memory and the like. For example, before the hand surgeries and foot surgeries I could do 100 men's pushups every single day. Not a typo (I'm a veteran). Now, with some bones gone, I can't put my palms flat so have to use those handles. After a LOT of months, I started at ten. I am now back up to nearly fifty, using the handles, which is harder. I add two or three every few days and the body just says Yep.
I have complete and utter faith that we will regain what we had, but what Nature remade is up to HER. She gives our boobs to you men, and your facial hair to us. REALLY NOW.
The ONLY sane response is hilarity.
Our worst enemy is what's between our ears. When I wake up I look at a mouth with nuthin' but silver knobs where my dentures snap in. That is GREAT for Halloween, sucks the rest of the year. The only choice is to turn it into a running joke. Robin Williams was the perfect example of how to eviscerate the demons in the basement- laugh at them. With this we have permission to be human, hang up the damn cape and learn to cope...then thrive.
You can drop the weight. This year, at 70, I started in in June and just slowly removed all the sugar that had snuck back in, reinstated better habits, fell back in love with berries instead of bear claws. I had withdrawal for about two weeks and after that I forgot about the Snickers bars which live in the top cabinet for SERIOUS emergencies. The way I deal with that? I think....yes, and they will be there tomorrow. And the day after that. And I grab an apple.
You can do this. We all can. Your hair WILL thin. You may have to deal with a temporary dad bod. But underneath you have a six pack, as do we all. It's not about showing off our guts. It's having the guts to walk right into the flames of aging and give it the finger, and have a wild ride anyway.
Thanks for the encouragement, Julia. I lost 35 pounds a number of years back, so I do know how to do it, I just need to get a little more serious there.
The hair ... I suspect I'll shave it all off sometime this winter and see how it looks, since I suspect that's my destination, anyway.
Look forward to reading more of your work!
We do know how, Steve. That said, I know all too well the feeling of WTF when we look in the mirror. We are constantly negotiating terms with our looks, which the single most ephemeral part of us, yet it is how we most strongly identify. That's why it's so hard. To your point I taught SMART goals for years, and realized that the first S needed to be SERIOUS. Until we are serious, nothing happens. We do it when we are ready. Let me know how it goes.
Julia, I'm going to be completely transparent here and tell you that I choked up reading this.
Why? Because although I haven't been through NEARLY as much as you have, healthwise, this knee fracture in June all but ruined my life...well, whatever there was left to ruin lol.
It was just the icing on top of the 3-year shit cake I've been eating.
Anyway, I put on 15 pounds due to immobility while healing. But the weight wasn't the worst part. My mental health plummeted due to job loss (injury related) and the inability to walk my normal 20K steps I usually do outside in nature. It's only been a 4 month journey for me...I don't know how you've managed to get through ALL of yours!!
Ohmigod Kristi. This is that classic rains it pours, right? We put on the weight like armour, like an additional punishment at times. Truth, boy it's there for a reason. It's the pillow we put on our own bodies that we ourselves need to cuddle into.
I so relate. Medium wiped me out financially, then it took me ages to realize that all those surgeries combined with the big late in life move to Oregon after fifty years in Colorado and a few other choice items all lead to grief, each with its own burden, often heaped on top of each other.
A pro took those 2017 photos. I used to look at them and just wonder if I could even ever get close to that again, but realized that it was never about the body. That's a symptom.
The wild that we want is the ability to keep right on going no matter what, Kristi. The loss of your son is a forever burden. There's a moment in Wind River when the characters are discussing the loss of both their daughters to rape and murder. The main character says that the only way forward is through, to hold the hurt, for if we push it all away, we lose everything we had with them: their first steps, their first smile, their last hugs, their last smiles. All we can do is embrace the pain.
What we endure makes us pure, Kristi (sounds like an article title, right). Really does. I won't go all happy dappy on you and say LOOK FOR THE GOOD. Fuck that. It's painful. Losing my identity as this badass adventure traveler, watching my belly expand, my savings disappear, all of it shrieked LOSER. I get it.
But losers win. The only way we win is to lose first. Because as writers, despair is the great teacher of compassion and empathy. Loss is what gives us the ability to dip a spoon into the deepest pools of feels of our readers.
If you're not familiar with Maria Popova's Marginalian, she is a writer and reader's best friend. She has a piece on despair: https://www.themarginalian.org/2023/06/10/kierkegaard-despair/
Strongly recommended. It's sacred work. Holy work. It's the work of the visionary, to walk those roads which burn our feet and sear the soul. The only way is through, through the wild, and that is what gives you your wildhood.
Honestly women, you need to be a speaker in front of crowds. Preach, sister!
I am off to hike stairs in the rain but not before I share this: I've spent a lot of years speaking professionally. I miss it. Time to get back to it. Thanks for poking the bear.
That's amazing, I didn't know! And yes, you should tend to that bear! Thanks Julia. You made a difference in my day ❤️