We're Too Old To Apologize for Being a HAG: H.appily A. G.ODDESS

Too Old for This Sh*t: How to Take Your Life Back from an Ageist Society

Photo by Maniraj Madishetty on Unsplash

Or a god, but either way, age does convey something grand to all of us

Once we were young and beautiful. Now we’re just beautiful.- Unknown

Let’s call this crap out. The language used to describe us women over fifty is just awful. This article goes into gritty detail about all of them. I’m sure every one of us approaching or over fifty can relate.

The linked article above pointedly notes that the terms are rarely if ever used to describe men, but are uniquely designed to shame, blame and excoriate all of us who offend the world by aging past our juicy years.

It’s nothing new. However, there is increasing pushback, fueled in particular by so many of us older women writers who call this crap out and name it by using social media for good (for once).

Here’s a good example of just that:

The great ageing secret society doesn’t want women to know

Here’s a great quote:

But, the secret that nobody lets on? For women, in particular, things get better – brilliantly better - with every passing year. This is why patriarchal society relies upon the myth of the crumbling, powerless, fundamentally barking middle-aged woman, witchy, defeated and mad. Meanwhile, those of us who have staggered into our fifties? Sisters, we’re living the dream - finally having the time of our not-so young lives in ways that we are never not astounded by. (author bolded)

I would add to this that the older we get the more we are accused of ageing simply because it’s more obvious. The idiocy of this is also obvious.

Let’s take issue with one thing: Plenty of aging women DO let on that secret, regularly, loudly, actively. As a 71 yo very active woman I’ve been shouting this truth for years. What I appreciate is the increasing number of voices who throw the same darts at the lies about getting older.

Hannah’s only 53. I’ve got nearly twenty years on her. I can guarantee you that it gets easier, better and more joyful. But only if you and I choose to stop focusing on looking and being young. That ship has sailed. A better one is waiting. People much older than I am can attest with even more agency about what gets better as societal pressures drop away.

Dear god, was there ever a time in my youth I was happy? Rarely. These days? Lots and lots and lots of times. That’s the whole point.

Photo by Ömer Haktan Bulut on Unsplash

For far too many of us women, aging is seen as an offense, a crime, and a terrible failure. Wasn’t always that way. In many cultures, aging is a time of great personal value to the tribal community. In places like Indonesia, the family elders are loved and revered, in direct opposition to our wholesale denial and reviling of age and all it brings with it.

I beg to differ. In fact I call bullshit on all of it.

Photo by Shreya Sharma on Unsplash

I’m that age where society considers me a crone. A harridan. A HAG.

Let’s go back to the first article I linked to, above:

Hag, noun

Belongs in the 'crone' category and defined as 'an ugly old woman'. 

While some have suggested male equivalents - such as curmudgeon or git - it is the female-centric terms that specifically denote ugliness, unpleasantness and often poor hygiene.

I read a variety of smart, energetic, powerful Substack writers, mostly women, many of us well past sixty. A few in their forties or fifties and approaching a big number, like fifty or sixty. These women often discuss the opportunities now opening up to them as the demands to fight for the male gaze drop away and we instead gaze at ourselves and ask brave questions.

What do WE want? How will WE get to live when we aren’t driven mad by competition and fear? Such questions are invariably driven by varying circumstances, but still.

We are asking those questions and in many cases, we’re beginning to like the answers.

Especially when we see the passing of youth and what beauty we may or may not have ever possessed be carried away down the river. The relief we feel to stop having to hoard the tiny bits of youth left to us is palpable.

Let’s be lovely in other ways.

Aging men get to answer similar questions but they are not excoriated for aging as we are. Not the same way.

Jody Day

and other excellent writers who are on the cusp of sixty discuss these horrific terms and the inevitability of being labeled thus. Grey hair and wrinkles guarantee that someone will see us as the Wicked Witch of the West.

Hollywood and storytellers since the beginning of time have dunned and damaged old women for getting old, with the exception of wiser cultures.

The West isn’t among wiser cultures, in that regard.

But we aren’t alone. In certain parts of Africa, witch hunts to murder women over sixty are active and deadly. The Congo isn’t alone; plenty of tribes accuse old women of being witches when their husbands die and either ban or murder them to get the family goods. Being female and old can be deadly in some places in the world.

In the West, it’s mostly shame. Barring new atrocities by the Far Right, it’s not a crime to be female and old. Yet. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, there’s much we can do to push back.

I’m owning the term on MY terms. I am a HAG, Happily A Goddess.

Silly? I don’t care. Consider the alternatives. We can let such labels not only bog us down but drown us altogether, right about the time a completely different kind of life becomes available.

In fact, what so many people write about as a loss, the business of becoming “invisible” as we age, can be an advantage. Think about what you can do, get away with and have fun with when nobody sees you any more.

I invite all my aging sisters-which is all of us- to consider hijacking any or all of these terms. HAG is mine. I am by god a goddess, living a completely different and much better kind of life than I could possibly have imagined before I turned sixty.

In fact, right about the time we turn sixty is when the afterburners come on.

That’s just one reason why two movies, The Woman King (Viola Davis at sixty) and Top Gun Maverick (Tom Cruise at sixty) are the twin themes for my seventies. Both these actors hit those milestones in real life while doing some of the toughest physical stunts imaginable.

That. Is. BADASS.

Don’t you dare tell me that forty, fifty, sixty is the end of us.

It marks the end of many things.

The beginnings of so very much more.

There’s plenty of prejudice to go around, including all over social media. That includes young and inexperienced people making breathtakingly stupid statements about a world they know nothing about whatsoever. To that:

One male Medium twit wrote the following while on a trip to a developing country, apparently in an attempt to appear so very wise (he shall stay unnamed): “All these +women over seventy were out with their carts selling food. They should be at home.”

Photo by Ruben Hanssen on Unsplash

Why, you idiot? When that’s likely their income? Their social interaction? Maybe they actually enjoy it? Maybe this is how they pay for their family’s food? Most developing countries don’t provide safety nets, social security or anything else. Many of these people have no other choice, yet they find ways to be joyful as they do it.

Just because YOU don’t like seeing old people, the entire rest of the world’s aging population is to remain inside so that you don’t have to look at wrinkles?

This kind of profound ignorance and prejudice isn’t welcome anywhere in the world. Age-hate is a poisonous construct.

Besides, Sparky, wait a while, until it’s your wrinkled face that “nobody wants to look at.”

Fellow Substacker

Jim the Geek

owns “curmudgeon.” Other writers happily hijack terms intended to insult and instead use them like a surfer rides a wave.

Own your age. Own what comes with it.

There are joy, adventure, relief, opportunity and far more available with every decade. However if we focus on youth, beauty and a slim waist, all of which must by Nature for most of us go by the wayside, then we will indeed be miserable, resentful old harridans.

Age on your terms in your way. Own it. Live it. It’s the only thing we have, life. Let’s live it well, well into extreme old age.

Let’s be gods and goddesses.

Let’s play.

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

The older we get, the better it gets, but only if we choose to make it that way. I hope this article provided you with perspective and a few ideas on how to do that. I am just as affected as anyone else by societal messaging, and this is one way I deal with it. If this was valuable to you, please consider

If you know someone who could use a boost when it comes to aging, please also consider

Either way, enjoy the day. Consider the alternative!