Thanks to him, I have seen EVERYTHING change in myself. I'm patient; I speak slowly, clearly, in a lower register than was normal for me; I am brave; I can dodge thrown objects with a deftness built of long practice. Before his diagnosis, I was a self-centered career-focused woman who expected to project-manage my family to meet my own needs. Boy, that was an interesting growth curve - mine more than his.
What I cannot do is sit by tamely when he is treated poorly. This is my own cross to bear, as he will need the resilience that comes from scratchy interactions; I won't be here forever. And I refuse to be the Zamboni mom, as we call them, who smoothes the way for him so there ARE no scratchy interactions. As you well know, Julia, the growth occurs from the scratching and healing.
I just work like hell so it's a scratch, not a lethal wound.
THANK YOU on behalf of the utility worker, who has chosen THE hardest job for an autist, and also on behalf of that worker's parents. The village required to raise and support an autistic person well into their 30s, in my experience, is broad and deep and giving. You took on that role for a while in this case. I honor the hard work that required for you!
I applaud you for being so gracious on your part when you realized the customer service rep has autism. (Good for her to advocate for herself.) I'm glad the convo ended in mutual understanding and respect. I can imagine that her calls don't always end in her favor.
What you wrote her is so true: "What makes them full as people doesn’t conveniently fit into the sihouettes society is more comfortable with. The problem is with us, not them."
As a minority in many aspects (including being a Highly Sensitive Person with a highly sensitive nervous system), I often suffer from the stress of having to accommodate to the harsh rules and ways our capitalustic/patriarchal society is organized.
I think there is a term "minority stress." It's an invisible layer of suffering.
I have to wonder if so much of what we get to learn repeatedly is the fundamental lesson of the good ideas behind DEI- that all of us are unique and each of us deserves to be treated as a fascinating individual, not a cookie-cutter item. Thanks, Lily.
I appreciate your frustration over the utility bill blowing up like that, I would've reacted exactly as you did. Perhaps part of the lesson is how we sometimes react in anger to these CS agents by phone. I know I'm not always patient and kind. Maybe the lesson also is that just bc I can't see them face to face doesn't mean they aren't human beings trying to do their job as best they can, whether or not they have a disability. I've been following you for almost two years and you've addressed this before, I recall a post about an interaction with an airline CS person who said she would hang up if you didn't speak to her more civilly. And you wrote about the lesson, it made an impression on me, what you said. I continue to learn from you and thank you for what you do and for your open heart and introspection.
My husband has a talent for dealing with these people on the phone, it's just his forte. I wish I could be more like him but I frequently respond with impatience and, sometimes, anger. I keep working on it! I'm almost 80, I ought to have it down by now!
Happy Easter! I hope that you know that your writing matters.
Thanks Noel. If these things didn't happen we'd be such terrible jerks. Well plenty of us are, that's true, but for my part I get to dance with my own devils and sometimes even learn to waltz.
As we get older we really think we know it all, don't we? Or at least that there aren't very many new things we have to learn. Most of us realize that technology just keeps rolling along so there is always more to learn there but the other things I don't think we think about enough to pay attention to. I've been caught up in assumptions several times recently. In responding to an interesting article on Medium, I referred to this gentleman's children as girls when one is a girl and the other is a boy. He very kindly pointed out my mistake by saying they both have long blond hair and the same mistake is made often. That doesn't excuse my assumption that any two legged long haired blond must be female. I apologized. And I will be much more aware the next time I want to comment on someone's children.
I fully understand that many people choose to use pronouns that are not the one's I learned a thousand years ago when I was young. I have only recently been embarrassed by my lack of attention to that important detail. After being told that "they" was appropriate for this person, I went right back to using "she" and "her". Well, crap. It's not that I don't approve in any way, it's just that my old training in how to talk properly kicks in and "they" refers to a group and not a single person. I try to apologize when I screw up and since the apology is always at least sincere if not completely groveling, the response is usually kind. One more thing I need to pay attention to.
Your response to the autistic lady was wonderful. You are so right. The cues for that are ones I might very well miss also. And it's all the more difficult over the phone rather than in person. Good for her for telling you and good for you with your response.
I am grateful for the checks, Penny, or we really could become insufferable. I'm lucky to be reminded, and am further fortunate to be grateful to be reminded, that I know very little. Thanks.
One of my sons is an autistic adult.
Thanks to him, I have seen EVERYTHING change in myself. I'm patient; I speak slowly, clearly, in a lower register than was normal for me; I am brave; I can dodge thrown objects with a deftness built of long practice. Before his diagnosis, I was a self-centered career-focused woman who expected to project-manage my family to meet my own needs. Boy, that was an interesting growth curve - mine more than his.
What I cannot do is sit by tamely when he is treated poorly. This is my own cross to bear, as he will need the resilience that comes from scratchy interactions; I won't be here forever. And I refuse to be the Zamboni mom, as we call them, who smoothes the way for him so there ARE no scratchy interactions. As you well know, Julia, the growth occurs from the scratching and healing.
I just work like hell so it's a scratch, not a lethal wound.
THANK YOU on behalf of the utility worker, who has chosen THE hardest job for an autist, and also on behalf of that worker's parents. The village required to raise and support an autistic person well into their 30s, in my experience, is broad and deep and giving. You took on that role for a while in this case. I honor the hard work that required for you!
Beautifully said, Nancy. So much work and growth for us all.
Thank you for such an essential reminder. It’s something I’ll work to keep front of mind from now on.
I applaud you for being so gracious on your part when you realized the customer service rep has autism. (Good for her to advocate for herself.) I'm glad the convo ended in mutual understanding and respect. I can imagine that her calls don't always end in her favor.
What you wrote her is so true: "What makes them full as people doesn’t conveniently fit into the sihouettes society is more comfortable with. The problem is with us, not them."
As a minority in many aspects (including being a Highly Sensitive Person with a highly sensitive nervous system), I often suffer from the stress of having to accommodate to the harsh rules and ways our capitalustic/patriarchal society is organized.
I think there is a term "minority stress." It's an invisible layer of suffering.
I have to wonder if so much of what we get to learn repeatedly is the fundamental lesson of the good ideas behind DEI- that all of us are unique and each of us deserves to be treated as a fascinating individual, not a cookie-cutter item. Thanks, Lily.
I appreciate your frustration over the utility bill blowing up like that, I would've reacted exactly as you did. Perhaps part of the lesson is how we sometimes react in anger to these CS agents by phone. I know I'm not always patient and kind. Maybe the lesson also is that just bc I can't see them face to face doesn't mean they aren't human beings trying to do their job as best they can, whether or not they have a disability. I've been following you for almost two years and you've addressed this before, I recall a post about an interaction with an airline CS person who said she would hang up if you didn't speak to her more civilly. And you wrote about the lesson, it made an impression on me, what you said. I continue to learn from you and thank you for what you do and for your open heart and introspection.
My husband has a talent for dealing with these people on the phone, it's just his forte. I wish I could be more like him but I frequently respond with impatience and, sometimes, anger. I keep working on it! I'm almost 80, I ought to have it down by now!
Happy Easter! I hope that you know that your writing matters.
Thanks Noel. If these things didn't happen we'd be such terrible jerks. Well plenty of us are, that's true, but for my part I get to dance with my own devils and sometimes even learn to waltz.
As we get older we really think we know it all, don't we? Or at least that there aren't very many new things we have to learn. Most of us realize that technology just keeps rolling along so there is always more to learn there but the other things I don't think we think about enough to pay attention to. I've been caught up in assumptions several times recently. In responding to an interesting article on Medium, I referred to this gentleman's children as girls when one is a girl and the other is a boy. He very kindly pointed out my mistake by saying they both have long blond hair and the same mistake is made often. That doesn't excuse my assumption that any two legged long haired blond must be female. I apologized. And I will be much more aware the next time I want to comment on someone's children.
I fully understand that many people choose to use pronouns that are not the one's I learned a thousand years ago when I was young. I have only recently been embarrassed by my lack of attention to that important detail. After being told that "they" was appropriate for this person, I went right back to using "she" and "her". Well, crap. It's not that I don't approve in any way, it's just that my old training in how to talk properly kicks in and "they" refers to a group and not a single person. I try to apologize when I screw up and since the apology is always at least sincere if not completely groveling, the response is usually kind. One more thing I need to pay attention to.
Your response to the autistic lady was wonderful. You are so right. The cues for that are ones I might very well miss also. And it's all the more difficult over the phone rather than in person. Good for her for telling you and good for you with your response.
I am grateful for the checks, Penny, or we really could become insufferable. I'm lucky to be reminded, and am further fortunate to be grateful to be reminded, that I know very little. Thanks.