First, love your work and appreciate your dedication. I’m having a crisis here over the woman who justified her behavior (and the consequences) because she was following Eat, Pray, Love - so thought she just needed to get laid!! OMG - that is so not what this book is about that I’m just incensed, because yes I understand what it is to suppress all appetite as a woman. So again thank you - sometimes getting incensed is cathartic.
The level of entitlement behind that email shocked me to my toes, Kate. Perhaps the worst of it is that she doesn't even see it, which of course is behind most of our bad behavior. All we know is what WE want, no matter the cost to anyone else. That is predatory thinking. In that awful way that women emulate the worst of male behavior we keep ourselves in chains.
I've been to countries where I was (a) grateful I had a man to act as a barrier between me and the aggressive predators out in public and (b) resentful that I needed what amounted to a bodyguard to walk around in public without being harassed. And sometimes even the guy's presence wasn't enough. It shouldn't be that way, but it's deeply stupid to pretend that it isn't, and if you're a woman traveling alone or in the company of other women, you'd best pay heed. Also, sisters: we do nothing to establish our liberation by behaving like shitty, exploitative men. They may have gotten away with it for centuries — but it's still awful, and just as awful when women do it, even when we manage to survive our misbehavior without horrible consequences.
Lonely back streets, bars and alcohol. Avoid, avoid, avoid. It’s so sad that these places are so unsafe in many cases. When I travelled solo, I made sure I only went out with groups of people (mostly women, as it turned out - after say a group bike tour through Budapest) so that both they, and I, felt safer. And never was alcohol involved, just to be sure. And, I ALWAYS mention my partner/wife in the first few sentences just to lay the groundwork. But I’m a guy. I have no idea what it’s like for women who travel solo. Frankly, it makes me shudder.
Rob, there have been a spate of horrible stories of male tourists doing online dating in Colombia, and the gangs have figured out how to enmesh them and strip them of everything, including their lives. These guys wanted a wife, they lost their lives. We have got to understand the mindsets of where we travel, and understand the pictures of unending wealth that our movies and TV shows have shoved into the world's faces. They can't know that some couple scraped for twelve years to do a trip, or that the diamond ring on your finger is fake. They see what they want, and you can't produce rich relatives, then you're just a burden. I have worn a wedding ring although I was only married for four years decades ago. It helped, but what really helped was minding where I spent my time. Hard lessons, all.
Extremely important advice. I have traveled a lot, but not often alone. I do have a bitch face that can scare most which I use when the environment calls for it. In addition, so much of what you stated about avoiding flaunting, flirting, drinking to excess, and knowing the laws of the land you are visiting should be top of mind. Americans can be so arrogant when they travel out of the country. Annoying and dangerous. They're not in Kansas anymore!
First, love your work and appreciate your dedication. I’m having a crisis here over the woman who justified her behavior (and the consequences) because she was following Eat, Pray, Love - so thought she just needed to get laid!! OMG - that is so not what this book is about that I’m just incensed, because yes I understand what it is to suppress all appetite as a woman. So again thank you - sometimes getting incensed is cathartic.
and thanks for the kind words...!
The level of entitlement behind that email shocked me to my toes, Kate. Perhaps the worst of it is that she doesn't even see it, which of course is behind most of our bad behavior. All we know is what WE want, no matter the cost to anyone else. That is predatory thinking. In that awful way that women emulate the worst of male behavior we keep ourselves in chains.
I spent 3 weeks in Sicily visiting an old friend in 2019. He liked to drink, I stayed sober. You really have be smart.
No truer words. "When in Rome" isn't always wise advice.
I've been to countries where I was (a) grateful I had a man to act as a barrier between me and the aggressive predators out in public and (b) resentful that I needed what amounted to a bodyguard to walk around in public without being harassed. And sometimes even the guy's presence wasn't enough. It shouldn't be that way, but it's deeply stupid to pretend that it isn't, and if you're a woman traveling alone or in the company of other women, you'd best pay heed. Also, sisters: we do nothing to establish our liberation by behaving like shitty, exploitative men. They may have gotten away with it for centuries — but it's still awful, and just as awful when women do it, even when we manage to survive our misbehavior without horrible consequences.
Said it better than I could. Thanks, Jan.
High praise coming from you, Julia!
Lonely back streets, bars and alcohol. Avoid, avoid, avoid. It’s so sad that these places are so unsafe in many cases. When I travelled solo, I made sure I only went out with groups of people (mostly women, as it turned out - after say a group bike tour through Budapest) so that both they, and I, felt safer. And never was alcohol involved, just to be sure. And, I ALWAYS mention my partner/wife in the first few sentences just to lay the groundwork. But I’m a guy. I have no idea what it’s like for women who travel solo. Frankly, it makes me shudder.
Rob, there have been a spate of horrible stories of male tourists doing online dating in Colombia, and the gangs have figured out how to enmesh them and strip them of everything, including their lives. These guys wanted a wife, they lost their lives. We have got to understand the mindsets of where we travel, and understand the pictures of unending wealth that our movies and TV shows have shoved into the world's faces. They can't know that some couple scraped for twelve years to do a trip, or that the diamond ring on your finger is fake. They see what they want, and you can't produce rich relatives, then you're just a burden. I have worn a wedding ring although I was only married for four years decades ago. It helped, but what really helped was minding where I spent my time. Hard lessons, all.
Anyway, my wife and I are about to depart New Zealand on Monday for a 4-country trip. Will make sure I heed your suggestions!
Ohhhhh envy Rob!
I don't know if you're interested but last year I actually wrote a psychology assignment about romance scams. Here's a link if you want to read it: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/wrnhflzo5lcp685d2czn9/175.304-Bialostocki_R_19045353_Assignment-2.pdf?rlkey=5os8h7c5wsupnmhp63oijy4f0&dl=0
Downloaded. Thanks!
Thank you so much Julia for including my article.
And once again, your words are well said.
I completely agree with your expansion of my words.
Being safe in accommodation is one thing, but knowing how to be safe when you are exploring another country is equally important.
All smart stuff. And these days we need to be even smarter! Thanks and of course you are so welcome.
Extremely important advice. I have traveled a lot, but not often alone. I do have a bitch face that can scare most which I use when the environment calls for it. In addition, so much of what you stated about avoiding flaunting, flirting, drinking to excess, and knowing the laws of the land you are visiting should be top of mind. Americans can be so arrogant when they travel out of the country. Annoying and dangerous. They're not in Kansas anymore!
I love "BITCH FACE." I need to practice mine.
WAIT. I'll just take my teeth out.......
Ha!! That will do it.