It' striking that your piece arrives in my inbox the same day I subscribed to Elizabeth Gilbert's "Letters From Love" substack — which is all about the practice (sadly radical in our wonky culture) of loving oneself unconditionally.
There’s a book called 5 Steps to Lasting Love by Anne Marie Taylor in the UK. You can currently read it for free on Amazon. This book doesn’t go into the kinds of love, but it does explain HOW I’ve been successfully married for 30 years.
The thing she talks about is “bids for attention.” For example, I come to give my wife a hug and say good morning, or I ask her if she wants a glass of water when I get up to get a drink.
She has a choice. She can respond positively, neutrally (not respond) or negatively.
The key to our thirty years? We respond positively to almost all bids for attention. And that takes effort. The other thing is, we make those bids for attention regularly.
Maybe we don’t respond exactly the way each other wants, but we don’t ignore and we don’t use anger or disdain as a response. In other words, we are there for each other.
I’m not sure what the love languages are about, but I’m extremely affectionate and want to cuddle but don’t care about material things, and Nicole is more of a “he would look good in this” giving kind of person. Doesn’t matter.
It's about showing up and doing the work, Tim, and I keep choosing men who are unable, incapable or unwilling, or all three, to do just that. That's another article...and yes boy howdy have I studied that part of myself!
I can so relate to your experience, Julia. Exchanged the love languages quiz with my boyfriend at the beginning when we were dating. I tried to give him what was important to him but I didn't get what is important to me. Mine is quality time and that includes responding to my small biddings throughout the day. Nope, not getting that. Well, the rest is a novel so I won't go into it here. Suffice it to say how much I empathize with your experience with your ex.
I suspect he is a troubled person. Hell, we are all troubled in some way, Lousia, in the largest sense. There is no perfect person, nor is there a perfect way to be. We are just fine as we are right here, right now, doing our damnedest to get through life. Some of us work at it, some of us want others to do all the work. Too many of us take on others' work as well as our own until our backs break. Mine broke. Fifteen years, tens of thousands of dollars, and absolutely nothing to show for it. I told him he was dead to me and that SOB just started hovering over my Linked In profile again this past weekend. That's what he does when he wants back in. Apparently I didn't block him. Will this time.
Julia, BLOCK him! When I read what you wrote about taking on others' work, I thought, "Damn right! That's me!" I just shifted gear recently to focus only on my own work and my own joy. Not exceeding the 100% limit of my side of personality accountability and responsibility. I was the hardest thing to turn around because, growing up, I was expected to take on the responsibility of my parents' emotional wreckage, and take on the blame of bad things that happened to my mom's. Hence it has become my second nature to take on the emotional work that doesn't belong to me. Boy did I pay dearly. Yes, in my last marriage I paid with 15 years of free labor! And I allowed myself to do that again!
I love this! Totally relatable. For what it's worth, and apparently, not much, I feel loved as well by quality time--the thing my ex-wife just couldn't provide. I show love, for what it's worth, by doing things for you--cooking, getting the oil changed on your car, fixing that screen door that squeaks, yada. Isn't murdering sacred cows fun?
There is something about having a broken partner-picker. My done said mine isn’t broken, just permanently set on “wrong man”. So many of us go through this regularly. I was married 22 years to a man who withheld love like a professional and I stayed, have the chipped tooth and broken nose as reminders. There is an aerobic exercise for this: lace up your gym shoes; take your thumb and pointer finger on both hands; pinch the hem of your skirt; hike it up and run like the wind in another direction. You and I are too old to disrespect ourselves with any partner who only speaks the language of disdain.
It' striking that your piece arrives in my inbox the same day I subscribed to Elizabeth Gilbert's "Letters From Love" substack — which is all about the practice (sadly radical in our wonky culture) of loving oneself unconditionally.
the Universe is having a constant conversation with us. I swear I am tuned in to the wrong station much of the time....
Hahahaha! I keep getting the Home Shopping Network :-)
There’s a book called 5 Steps to Lasting Love by Anne Marie Taylor in the UK. You can currently read it for free on Amazon. This book doesn’t go into the kinds of love, but it does explain HOW I’ve been successfully married for 30 years.
The thing she talks about is “bids for attention.” For example, I come to give my wife a hug and say good morning, or I ask her if she wants a glass of water when I get up to get a drink.
She has a choice. She can respond positively, neutrally (not respond) or negatively.
The key to our thirty years? We respond positively to almost all bids for attention. And that takes effort. The other thing is, we make those bids for attention regularly.
Maybe we don’t respond exactly the way each other wants, but we don’t ignore and we don’t use anger or disdain as a response. In other words, we are there for each other.
I’m not sure what the love languages are about, but I’m extremely affectionate and want to cuddle but don’t care about material things, and Nicole is more of a “he would look good in this” giving kind of person. Doesn’t matter.
Do the work and you can make it work.
It's about showing up and doing the work, Tim, and I keep choosing men who are unable, incapable or unwilling, or all three, to do just that. That's another article...and yes boy howdy have I studied that part of myself!
Yeah that’s the key. And so many people especially men don’t understand that.
I can so relate to your experience, Julia. Exchanged the love languages quiz with my boyfriend at the beginning when we were dating. I tried to give him what was important to him but I didn't get what is important to me. Mine is quality time and that includes responding to my small biddings throughout the day. Nope, not getting that. Well, the rest is a novel so I won't go into it here. Suffice it to say how much I empathize with your experience with your ex.
I suspect he is a troubled person. Hell, we are all troubled in some way, Lousia, in the largest sense. There is no perfect person, nor is there a perfect way to be. We are just fine as we are right here, right now, doing our damnedest to get through life. Some of us work at it, some of us want others to do all the work. Too many of us take on others' work as well as our own until our backs break. Mine broke. Fifteen years, tens of thousands of dollars, and absolutely nothing to show for it. I told him he was dead to me and that SOB just started hovering over my Linked In profile again this past weekend. That's what he does when he wants back in. Apparently I didn't block him. Will this time.
Julia, BLOCK him! When I read what you wrote about taking on others' work, I thought, "Damn right! That's me!" I just shifted gear recently to focus only on my own work and my own joy. Not exceeding the 100% limit of my side of personality accountability and responsibility. I was the hardest thing to turn around because, growing up, I was expected to take on the responsibility of my parents' emotional wreckage, and take on the blame of bad things that happened to my mom's. Hence it has become my second nature to take on the emotional work that doesn't belong to me. Boy did I pay dearly. Yes, in my last marriage I paid with 15 years of free labor! And I allowed myself to do that again!
I thought I had. What you write is so familiar it's heartbreaking. Oh the bricks we pile into our backpacks to ease life for others.
😢😭💔 Hugs!!!
I just blocked him. Oh that felt good.
🙌 High five!
I love this! Totally relatable. For what it's worth, and apparently, not much, I feel loved as well by quality time--the thing my ex-wife just couldn't provide. I show love, for what it's worth, by doing things for you--cooking, getting the oil changed on your car, fixing that screen door that squeaks, yada. Isn't murdering sacred cows fun?
I'm dancing around the fire with paint on my face!
That's a nice image!
There is something about having a broken partner-picker. My done said mine isn’t broken, just permanently set on “wrong man”. So many of us go through this regularly. I was married 22 years to a man who withheld love like a professional and I stayed, have the chipped tooth and broken nose as reminders. There is an aerobic exercise for this: lace up your gym shoes; take your thumb and pointer finger on both hands; pinch the hem of your skirt; hike it up and run like the wind in another direction. You and I are too old to disrespect ourselves with any partner who only speaks the language of disdain.