You and I Are Too Old to Become Brittle, Angry Babies in Our Old Age: A Recipe for a Fine Final Act
Too Old for This Sh*t: How to Take Your Life Back from an Ageist Society
Once we were young and beautiful. Now we’re just beautiful.
Substack writer
inspired today’s post. Jan made a choice, funny comment about using an arched eyebrow when faced with the infantile language used by the medical community with us grey hairs.What that brought up were thoughts about aging elegantly. Elegantly, as opposed to descending into the bratty babies that some folks end up becoming late-in-life.
If the medical community has learned to treat the elderly this way, chances are it’s because plenty of angry, bitter old people have taught them to treat us like recalcitrant children.
While I agree with both the arched eyebrow and my preferred approach of the stink-eye, thinking about this caused me to consider how many options there are to age, and age well. Not all of us do.
It’s a choice.
Then, in that lovely way that the Universe shows up with the writing prompt when an idea has legs, my best friend fired me this via Facebook:
It has become clear to me that aging itself does not bring wisdom. It often brings regression to childishness, dependency, and bitterness over lost opportunities. Only those who are still intellectually, emotionally, spiritually growing inherit the richness of aging. ~James Hollis
Precisely.
My work is never going to resonate with those who are seeking to blame others for a disappointing life. It will, however, resonate with those brave enough to dig to the roots of what’s holding them back and pull them out.
One reader shared that she spent years blaming her parents for what was wrong in her life, and it wasn’t until she stopped that her life began to improve.
As with all blame, we assume the role of victim. Doing this chains us forever to the people we blame, until we are willing to own our own shit. The instant we do that, our lives are ours to re-sculpt.
It took me years to stop blaming my military rapists. For forty years their ghosts owned me, my quality of life and potential for happiness. When I found out that the worst offender had expired years ago at 48 while I continued to carry the spite, I realized the cost.
The guy was long dead. I was the only one still suffering.
I decided to let go of that burden.
That choice prevented me from ending up a bitter, angry old baby. The choice also ended forty years of eating disorders. Such are the ways we continue to punish ourselves. My hand is way up here.
If you are a fan of Buddhism, you might know the work of Thích Nhất Hạnh. My favorite of his books is The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, which is a lovely exercise in thoughtfulness and application of Buddhist principles.
In it he explains the thinking (which is often misunderstood) about suffering, and how to relieve yourself of it. I won’t go into that here, but suffice it to say that suffering is a choice. It’s how we choose to see the life we have, and then choose to see those same events and conditions differently.
It’s also about how we ingest toxic substances daily: media, social media, articles, visuals, movies and the like which can poison our thoughts. The same goes for the toxic substances we ingest and call food, which for most Americans is another source of pain and illness.
So, the recipe for a fine Final Third of Life.
In theory it’s very simple: identify the toxic substances you’re ingesting and stop.
Yup. Just do it, right?
Like all memes, it’s mindlessly simple.
Like all great life challenges, it’s mind-bendingly hard.
If you and I are to cease putting the blame on others for what didn’t work in our lives, we forfeit our whipping boy(s).
The lens then focuses on us, where it was all the time, but for the smoke and mirrors we used to distract ourselves from the deep work of owning our results.
We get nothing of real value for free. There is always a price. The greater the freeing power of the new perspective, the harder the work to gain it.
We give up ego, self-illusion, the lies we tell ourselves and those that others have long told us (we’re not worthy, shouldn’t have been born, all of it). We forfeit all that for a very different kind of life.
It’s mind-bendingly hard work.
And worth it.
Let’s revisit half of that James Hollis quote:
Only those who are still intellectually, emotionally, spiritually growing inherit the richness of aging.
Want a genuinely joyful very old age?
It’s time to jettison the junk in the trunk, as it were.
Every bit of ballast we toss, the same way we did with our parents’ clutter and that our kids will do with ours, is that much less to carry as we age.
The more we release our hold on others for the wrongs they did us, the more free we are.
You and I are Way Too Old to carry a lifetime of blaming others into our final years.
Everyone is wronged. Everyone has a complaint. Some more than others.
The invitation is to pry yourself free. The more accounts you carry from your past, the more anger, resentment and bile fill you.
The harder it is to step lightly and with any joy at all in your later years.
My father claimed to everyone until his last breath that I owed him money. In fact I had paid off my debt to him years before. He died estranged from his daughter, burdened with self-righteousness and anger about something that wasn’t even true. Too many of us go out the same way.
The moment I let go of my anger at the deeply troubled men who had raped me, my life took flight. It took plenty of hard work to get the thought habits out of my inner vernacular, but they’re gone now.
Aging elegantly, for my part, is all about having close friends, a healthy mind, a well-working body, and a reason for hauling this body out of bed every day.
Of course it’s hard work. It’s not for lazy people. Neither is aging into our nineties and beyond. That said, it’s whole lot easier when there’s a decided lightness to our step, and a much lighter heart.
Let’s play.
Thanks to Jan for the arched eyebrow comment.
Thank you so kindly for hanging out with me for a few minutes to talk about aging well. If this gave you pleasure or good ideas, please consider
If you know someone who might need a reason to let go of the extra ballast, please also consider
Either way, thank you so much for your time. I wish you a gorgeous week ahead.
Another wonderful newsletter, Julia! You are singlehandedly raising the temperature of my inner feistiness to fire-breathing dragon level. Thank you for your fearlessness, courage, honesty and showing how to not just survive but thrive into our later years.
Oh my goodness, Julia — I am honored to have had any part in prompting this excellent piece! My eyebrows are both ascending with delight, and with gratitude for the shout-out!