The other day, as we were walking around the ruins of an old abbey in Scotland, my husband said “We should have done this 20 years ago.” I reminded him that we couldn’t have afforded it 20 years ago. But he will be 78 next month, and every time he needs to take half the day to rest because we spent an hour walking up hills to get to [insert castle here], followed by two more hours exploring said castle, I am reminded that time catches us all.
So, we do this slowly. We rest frequently. We plan no more than one major activity per day. We may be getting a little healthier (especially me), since we’re walking more. But waiting wasn’t an option—I’m not getting any younger either. With any luck, neither one of us will drop dead while exploring some medieval laird’s bedchamber; but if so, at least we didn’t settle into our recliners and fade away.
So true. My “grand adventures” are strictly limited to what I can afford, and my willingness to stay in very cheap and questionable lodgings and trade the adventures for my writing. I often get accused of being rich enough to afford grand adventures, Michelle (not saying this is you), but I get my flights from points earned on credit cards, and I get my adventures by posting stories that concessions use on their websites. By the time I’m done, my investment, if I’m smart, is about a tenth or less of what it might otherwise cost. Making this happen was hard work especially because there are so many oldsters happy to write for free, who do have resources. A changing landscape, that’s for sure.
Thanks Wren. My apartment is way too small, the appointments too lean to invite me to stay inside all day, every day. That really does serve a purpose. My old house was so fabulously comfortable and gorgeous that it was easy to stay, the outdoors came to me all the time, I could stand in my kitchen for hours watching the birds feed. That’s not such a bad thing. UNLESS….you have a thousand things that you want to do, and you need to train to do them.
I have felt horrible pressure to find my last place to live for a decade now. I grew up in many different US states so have no hometown, no lifelong friends, plus no family. I just hate this horrible burden of having to make a decision, which could wind up being a miserable mistake and which at this stage could not easily or possibly ever be rectified.
Another wonderful dose of elder sanity, thank you, Julia. I was wondering if perhaps you could share how you found the community of people you have now settled amongst? They seem to have welcomed you warmly, so I'm wondering how that came to be? Being a newcomer myself to Ireland, and sometimes struggling to make meaningful connections here (beyond my Alterkin Circle!) as a 'blow-in ', I realise how much harder it would have been to move as a solo non-mother, as you have done. I have the privilege of a male life partner who was/is already well respected in the area, and I know that makes a HUGE difference.
I did several things: I spent a fair bit of time in country first, meeting people that I had located on the Facebook pages dedicated to those communities. I also met with people whose services I might need. Several of those folks turned out to be people I wanted to know a lot better. THOSE folks then turned out to be people through whom I ran names, references and services, because they had been here for years, and I had come to trust their judgment.
Then I regularly posted no the FB fora. That is the fastest way to winnow out the haters, and to identify people whose company I wanted to explore. I’d put something out, people would shit all over it, I would block all those and then respond via DM to those who were not only polite but respectful.
Eventually a coffee or a meeting would evolve and from there you make your choices. Two of the people were nice but not folks with whom I had any shared interests at all. One couple and I spent nearly four hours telling stories and roaring with laughter. THOSE are my people, and they live five minutes from me.
Some people I’ve been around initially I am having to rethink for a variety of reasons. That’s inevitable. Think of it this way: people hang their tighty-whiteys out on the Internet. FB is perfect that way. We might be seen by our posts, but we are judged by our comments and how we treat people.
I hate Facebook. I really do. But these groups form around cities, neighborhoods and areas, and as such they are critical sources of help and advice. They are also cesspools of angry people pissed off about whatever. But using my posts and articles as a way to engender discussion, people reveal who they are, and that makes connections vastly easier. For what it’s worth.
An inspiring essay on many levels. I thought about the mother of one of my son's friends, widowed in her 30s, who stayed in the home shared with her late spouse, kept his clothes in his closet for many years, refused to change anything after he died, a saddened woman who settled into a life of memories and closed living room curtains.
Thank you for sharing my essay, "Revising my Dream." As much as I love my current five-acre homestead/sanctuary, I am committed to moving. I observe that some retirees in my rural setting, now living in their dream houses out in the country, have disengaged from the community. I don't know if they have settled, are content, or desire change. For some of us, it is the relationship with the land, the daily walks in the woods, the hikes, and our gardens that bind us to the isolated spaces we call home.
As I prepare to move back to an urban setting for my final chapter, I definitely feel the discomfort of a big change. I can see how easy it is to just agree to stay and settle. I have neighbors: he is 90, she is 85, he is riddled with cancer and in home hospice, and she is carrying on as best she can. I asked her a few years ago if they had thought about moving, and she said, yes, but they didn't want to make such a dramatic change so late in their lives. In a few months, she will be a widow, 30 minutes from town, isolated, and facing a dramatic change in her life. My stepfather, now a widower, is also living an unplanned and unhappy scenario, having stubbornly refused to make a change.
Your advice to honestly analyze our scenarios and our current place in life is critical to living happily and joyfully in our final chapter.
I left the Berkshires when I was 65 and moved to Chicago. In the Berkshires I lived in a six-room cottage and even though I had some land I was fairly isolated. I have never been happier.
But now I live in mixed public housing and private. I’m in a building that has kids, old people like me, a really nice staff that takes care of things, and I feel safe. I will never feel that same happiness again: being next to a creek, living every day among wildlife, the peace that can only come from being immersed in the natural world, but as a person gets older, feeling safe becomes more important. Honestly, it does. I recommend it. I still don’t join groups or engage in activities, like many older people do, but it’s okay. The staff here all know me. And it works for me.
This really is where so many of us face the hardest possible choice. For the two Sues and me, and other women and men who are coming to grips with their mortality, what are we willing to give up in order to have our final years be better managed than by emergency?
In my essay, Revising A Dream, I outlined what I desire most in my new location.
Affordable housing in the PNW remains the biggest challenge. I expanded my search to Minnesota and Colorado, but have decided against leaving the PNW. This fall, I am planning some road trips to check out some small PNW cities.
Honestly? I spent most of 2025 exploring the PNW to see whether I could still make it work. I couldn't. I really didn't want to leave the Coast, Sue, but buying when we did, we locked in rates and deals that are obliterated by today's mortgages and interest rates. Colorado around Denver is one of the most expensive places in the country. That's why I left. All of this is heartbreaking.
I was open to relocating to Minnesota, Colorado, and New Mexico, but eventually decided against all three after doing research.
If, and it's a big IF, I can sell my place here in the Gorge, at a reasonable price, I have enough equity to pay cash for a newer manufactured home in an over-55 community in the South Puget Sound area. Lacey, WA has several that are newer and appear nice. Space rent is affordable, though always at risk of increases. Lacey is close to big-city healthcare if needed, and I can access a ton of recreational spots, farmers' markets, and cultural organizations. Plus, it's close to Joint Base Lewis-McChord, and my partner is a retired service member, so he can access resources there.
There is a lot of bias and snobbery attached to manufactured homes, but I have lived in one here for 15 years and have no complaints. I don't know how social I would be in a senior community - I am quite introverted, but I am sure I can find some shared community interests. I think this is the best path forward for me, and my only concern is Chief Idiot's destruction of the US.
After years of you being somewhat isolated outside of Eugene, along with the many medical issues you had to deal with, your small communal apartment in Cuenca that practically 'spits you out' every morning ... in my opinion, is exactly what you need right now. Making that transition solo surely can't be easy, but it's also essential. So congratulations, you did it! At 68, I also must keep moving, or my life will quickly wind down. I'm always planning to make sure things happen. Keep working on building strength, it's super important as you know, and fill the day-planner with both little and grand adventures. Planning, motion, and adventure, is what keeps me alive, and I suspect for you as well. Nicely written piece.
The other day, as we were walking around the ruins of an old abbey in Scotland, my husband said “We should have done this 20 years ago.” I reminded him that we couldn’t have afforded it 20 years ago. But he will be 78 next month, and every time he needs to take half the day to rest because we spent an hour walking up hills to get to [insert castle here], followed by two more hours exploring said castle, I am reminded that time catches us all.
So, we do this slowly. We rest frequently. We plan no more than one major activity per day. We may be getting a little healthier (especially me), since we’re walking more. But waiting wasn’t an option—I’m not getting any younger either. With any luck, neither one of us will drop dead while exploring some medieval laird’s bedchamber; but if so, at least we didn’t settle into our recliners and fade away.
Precisely and so well said.
Beautifully written, Julia. Thank you for showing us there is another path, if we dare to take it.
Thanks Sue. Hard choices for all of us, indeed.
Probably won’t be any grand adventures for me — such adventures are out of my price range. We make the best of little pleasures.
And yes, Medium’s algorithm shift was a disaster. And deliberately done.
So true. My “grand adventures” are strictly limited to what I can afford, and my willingness to stay in very cheap and questionable lodgings and trade the adventures for my writing. I often get accused of being rich enough to afford grand adventures, Michelle (not saying this is you), but I get my flights from points earned on credit cards, and I get my adventures by posting stories that concessions use on their websites. By the time I’m done, my investment, if I’m smart, is about a tenth or less of what it might otherwise cost. Making this happen was hard work especially because there are so many oldsters happy to write for free, who do have resources. A changing landscape, that’s for sure.
I'm so glad to see some pictures! "Spits me out in the morning" doesn't sound nice, exactly, but it sounds like it at least serves a purpose. Onward!
Thanks Wren. My apartment is way too small, the appointments too lean to invite me to stay inside all day, every day. That really does serve a purpose. My old house was so fabulously comfortable and gorgeous that it was easy to stay, the outdoors came to me all the time, I could stand in my kitchen for hours watching the birds feed. That’s not such a bad thing. UNLESS….you have a thousand things that you want to do, and you need to train to do them.
I have felt horrible pressure to find my last place to live for a decade now. I grew up in many different US states so have no hometown, no lifelong friends, plus no family. I just hate this horrible burden of having to make a decision, which could wind up being a miserable mistake and which at this stage could not easily or possibly ever be rectified.
Another wonderful dose of elder sanity, thank you, Julia. I was wondering if perhaps you could share how you found the community of people you have now settled amongst? They seem to have welcomed you warmly, so I'm wondering how that came to be? Being a newcomer myself to Ireland, and sometimes struggling to make meaningful connections here (beyond my Alterkin Circle!) as a 'blow-in ', I realise how much harder it would have been to move as a solo non-mother, as you have done. I have the privilege of a male life partner who was/is already well respected in the area, and I know that makes a HUGE difference.
I did several things: I spent a fair bit of time in country first, meeting people that I had located on the Facebook pages dedicated to those communities. I also met with people whose services I might need. Several of those folks turned out to be people I wanted to know a lot better. THOSE folks then turned out to be people through whom I ran names, references and services, because they had been here for years, and I had come to trust their judgment.
Then I regularly posted no the FB fora. That is the fastest way to winnow out the haters, and to identify people whose company I wanted to explore. I’d put something out, people would shit all over it, I would block all those and then respond via DM to those who were not only polite but respectful.
Eventually a coffee or a meeting would evolve and from there you make your choices. Two of the people were nice but not folks with whom I had any shared interests at all. One couple and I spent nearly four hours telling stories and roaring with laughter. THOSE are my people, and they live five minutes from me.
Some people I’ve been around initially I am having to rethink for a variety of reasons. That’s inevitable. Think of it this way: people hang their tighty-whiteys out on the Internet. FB is perfect that way. We might be seen by our posts, but we are judged by our comments and how we treat people.
I hate Facebook. I really do. But these groups form around cities, neighborhoods and areas, and as such they are critical sources of help and advice. They are also cesspools of angry people pissed off about whatever. But using my posts and articles as a way to engender discussion, people reveal who they are, and that makes connections vastly easier. For what it’s worth.
Great info. Thanks for sharing, Julia.
An inspiring essay on many levels. I thought about the mother of one of my son's friends, widowed in her 30s, who stayed in the home shared with her late spouse, kept his clothes in his closet for many years, refused to change anything after he died, a saddened woman who settled into a life of memories and closed living room curtains.
Thank you for sharing my essay, "Revising my Dream." As much as I love my current five-acre homestead/sanctuary, I am committed to moving. I observe that some retirees in my rural setting, now living in their dream houses out in the country, have disengaged from the community. I don't know if they have settled, are content, or desire change. For some of us, it is the relationship with the land, the daily walks in the woods, the hikes, and our gardens that bind us to the isolated spaces we call home.
As I prepare to move back to an urban setting for my final chapter, I definitely feel the discomfort of a big change. I can see how easy it is to just agree to stay and settle. I have neighbors: he is 90, she is 85, he is riddled with cancer and in home hospice, and she is carrying on as best she can. I asked her a few years ago if they had thought about moving, and she said, yes, but they didn't want to make such a dramatic change so late in their lives. In a few months, she will be a widow, 30 minutes from town, isolated, and facing a dramatic change in her life. My stepfather, now a widower, is also living an unplanned and unhappy scenario, having stubbornly refused to make a change.
Your advice to honestly analyze our scenarios and our current place in life is critical to living happily and joyfully in our final chapter.
I left the Berkshires when I was 65 and moved to Chicago. In the Berkshires I lived in a six-room cottage and even though I had some land I was fairly isolated. I have never been happier.
But now I live in mixed public housing and private. I’m in a building that has kids, old people like me, a really nice staff that takes care of things, and I feel safe. I will never feel that same happiness again: being next to a creek, living every day among wildlife, the peace that can only come from being immersed in the natural world, but as a person gets older, feeling safe becomes more important. Honestly, it does. I recommend it. I still don’t join groups or engage in activities, like many older people do, but it’s okay. The staff here all know me. And it works for me.
This really is where so many of us face the hardest possible choice. For the two Sues and me, and other women and men who are coming to grips with their mortality, what are we willing to give up in order to have our final years be better managed than by emergency?
In my essay, Revising A Dream, I outlined what I desire most in my new location.
Affordable housing in the PNW remains the biggest challenge. I expanded my search to Minnesota and Colorado, but have decided against leaving the PNW. This fall, I am planning some road trips to check out some small PNW cities.
Honestly? I spent most of 2025 exploring the PNW to see whether I could still make it work. I couldn't. I really didn't want to leave the Coast, Sue, but buying when we did, we locked in rates and deals that are obliterated by today's mortgages and interest rates. Colorado around Denver is one of the most expensive places in the country. That's why I left. All of this is heartbreaking.
I was open to relocating to Minnesota, Colorado, and New Mexico, but eventually decided against all three after doing research.
If, and it's a big IF, I can sell my place here in the Gorge, at a reasonable price, I have enough equity to pay cash for a newer manufactured home in an over-55 community in the South Puget Sound area. Lacey, WA has several that are newer and appear nice. Space rent is affordable, though always at risk of increases. Lacey is close to big-city healthcare if needed, and I can access a ton of recreational spots, farmers' markets, and cultural organizations. Plus, it's close to Joint Base Lewis-McChord, and my partner is a retired service member, so he can access resources there.
There is a lot of bias and snobbery attached to manufactured homes, but I have lived in one here for 15 years and have no complaints. I don't know how social I would be in a senior community - I am quite introverted, but I am sure I can find some shared community interests. I think this is the best path forward for me, and my only concern is Chief Idiot's destruction of the US.
What’s the link for your Revising my Dream essay? I looked but couldn’t find it. Would like to read it.
Here it is, Martha
https://suekusch.substack.com/p/revising-a-dream
DMd it to her as well, thanks Sue. Helluva story.
What instantly came to mind with your first example:
https://www.historytoday.com/archive/feature/mourning-death-prince-albert
After years of you being somewhat isolated outside of Eugene, along with the many medical issues you had to deal with, your small communal apartment in Cuenca that practically 'spits you out' every morning ... in my opinion, is exactly what you need right now. Making that transition solo surely can't be easy, but it's also essential. So congratulations, you did it! At 68, I also must keep moving, or my life will quickly wind down. I'm always planning to make sure things happen. Keep working on building strength, it's super important as you know, and fill the day-planner with both little and grand adventures. Planning, motion, and adventure, is what keeps me alive, and I suspect for you as well. Nicely written piece.